Sunday, June 17, 2012

Fuck the Romans

Here's a list of all statements great people say. This is not a self-improvement session.This is a collection of all the advice-lines I hate. Why? Lemme tell you why...


THE BOX

Remember that guy [every guy] asking you to "think out of the box"? What does he mean by that exactly? Huh??
Who told you to get into the box?? And if you don't know it already, why did someone create the box in the first place? Stop listening to these people. The box is there for a reason! And while you're at it, why not think ABOUT the box? You'll be surprised to see how the box influences people.
Everyone has a box. Mainly It's just a shoe box. There are interesting things in it. Personal things like snapshots, letters, little trinkets from Christmas. Envelopes, photo, calling cards, notes. Sort of an unconscious collection, a display. Each thing tells something very intimate about the people. Its like a diary.... But actually they want someone to see it.
-Following [1998]

THE BIRD

Don't deny it! You've heard it a million times. 'Son! wake up early in the morning', 'Wake up with the sun', 'Early to bed early to rise'. I'm particularly puzzled by this lie that goes- Early bird catches the worm. I still don't get it. Do the birds that wake up late in the afternoon die of starvation? You'll never know. But what's funny is the worm's standpoint.

Early bird catches the worm! But look at what the worm got for waking up so early!!
-Lulu [date forgotten]


THE FUTURE

This one is highly famous. "The future is now!" I think it's the tagline of some company. What they fail to see is that, now is NOT the future... Not in the future too! The person who came up with the line is actually exhibiting his disability to understand English Grammar. [Now= present; Then=Future] In other words he never passed English-II paper in any of his classes.

ALL MIGHTY THEN

Might makes Right! This is true to some extent, but I hate this line for it being too simplistic that it looks like a spelling error. I mean, if the person in the above paragraph failed in English-II, the inventor of this line probably failed in English-I.

CONNECTING PEOPLE

All I can hear today is this- 'Connect with people!', 'You need a lot of contacts', 'Connect with people to get things done!' I'd say connect with people only if you want STDs. Or you can also try another type of 'Connecting with people'.



BEING HUMAN

The line you're gonna see now is quite personal and it comes out only if you get into an emotional fight. 'Be yourself!' A confusing one indeed. Why does a person need to change oneself? And if the second person realises that you have changed, wouldn't he have changed too? [At least that's what chaos theory says]. Understand that you are yourself, and you do the things you do, all for a reason [however unreasonable it may be]. More importantly you need to be the person shown below to truly 'change' yourself.



ASK

'Ask and you shall receive' is possibly the most powerful lie in the world. While this may hold true for traffic policemen asking for money, the rest of the world seems to be in total disagreement. For example, I asked my dad to get me a bike [2004]; My mom asked me to study well [since 1993]; my brother asked me rupees 15.75 [1999]; My biology teacher asked me something about mitochondria [2005]. I'm very clear that none of us received what we asked for.

THE HEART

You can hear them whining all their lives. 'Follow your heart', 'Do what your heart feels like'. I have the perfect answers to both your lines. First, to follow your heart, you need to surgically remove it from your chest and lay it on the road, allowing it to go wherever it wants to, and then following it, while all along, the blood-plumbing stays intact. This would make you no different than a dog chasing its own tail.


And for the next line. If you really want to do what your heart likes, buy a submersible electric pump and start pumping blood. Nobody cares where you're pumping your blood to, as long as you pump, coz, you know you're just doing what your heart likes.

THE ATTITUDE

When someone says 'Change your attitude', I get angry. Really really angry!! So angry that even HULK would go hide somewhere. I get to decide what attitude I have. I AM my attitude. And if you're not ok with it, that's no way my problem. And if I start thinking that I really need a change in my attitude, then the whole point of having an attitude fails, for I don't change my attitude like I change the bullet cartridge in my gun. My attitude IS my gun and kevlar!
This is MY FUCKING GAME!!
-Ajith Kumar, Mankatha [2011]


WHEN IN ROME 

Have you ever thought what a Roman will do when he is in Rome? And what you will do when you're in Rome? First, they eat Roman food, and you eat Roman food. But since it does not exist anymore, you'll both eat Italian food [Note: Italian != Roman].

What's the difference, you ask? It's as simple as an Englishman playing cricket compared to an Indian playing it. It's just not your game, although you might play it better. He's eating it with the noise and clumsiness of a true-blood Italian, while the best you do to Italian food is to stare at it. That's because the only other time you've seen so many colours together is on HOLI, and the closest you can get to Italian food is PIZZA from DOMINO'S [Although I highly doubt its authenticity as Italian]. You long for your chapati and sambhar rice and daydream about munching them with your bare hands, while the Italian uses exactly 7 kinds of spoons every meal.

And more importantly, when an Italian says fashion, he means the most modern, expensive and creative designs from the fashion capital Milan, Italy. When you say you love fashion, you actually refer to the most expressionless, anorexic and scarcely attired girls from FTV's capital, Paris. And mind you, Milan and Paris are not close to each other.

So the next time you're in Rome, /\ read the title /\.......

4 comments:

  1. Good to hear from you buddy.

    The box might refer the XBOX. We see people (underage esp.) killing other people for that crap. So "think out of (x)box" is put to use to stop the crime

    Ungakitta ennum nirayaa ehtitparthaen.

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  2. I guess the "attitude quote" is a pothole on your masterpiece.

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  3. Seein this line:

    So the next time you're in Rome, /\ read the title /\.......


    I did scroll up to see wat da title was :D

    Class!!!!!!! :D

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