Sunday, May 15, 2011

The topple of the toppers

Hi friends… Easily, one of the most talked-about topics of this week is the results. Yup! Both +2 Public examinations and TN Assembly elections alike. But the most puzzling thing about this is that there are comparatively too many tweets about the results than the blogs. Why? Have we all gone to the “Brevity is my charm” era?? Most certainly not!! At least as far as the toppers are concerned. Wait a minute… That might not add up now, but what I was trying to point at was the winners’ speech.

My brother took the +2 public exams this year, and adding pride to the family name, he slept in the exam hall [on the day of Physics], while a couple of weeks later, I did the same thing in my exam hall [for Total Quality Management]. But as the day turned out, it worked quite well. Anyway, I got this wonderful opportunity to interview the toppers in person.

Student’s Name: K. Reka
Total Marks: 1190/1200

Me: Hi Reka. J

She: Hi stranger with a mic. :/

Me: You’ve topped the state in the board exams. What do you feel about that?

She: What else? I’m extremely happy. :D :D

Me: Oh… Do you have any secret under your sleeve that might help someone next year?

She: Oh yeah… I figured out when I was in class 11 that you people ask the same question to the toppers year after year. So, I made a list of things I did from when I was 2 years old, like a reckoner, to be given as a handout, just in case I got to be the state topper. What are the odds?? Ok, here goes. When I was 2 months old, my mom stopped breastfeeding me, and I started drinking Memoryvita, the health drink that boosts your brain. When I was a year old, I started tearing newspapers to shreds. This gave a small clue to my parents that I’m gonna be good with paperwork. When I was 5, I won all the rangoli competitions I participated in. This further assured my good marks in the +2 exams, as it is mostly about presenting the paper with the most vibrant colours possible. I even tried using water-colour painting in my chemistry exams. When I was 9…

Me: Uh… Reka, I’m quite sure that you have a grand list. But due to time constraints, can you bypass all those and come straight to class 12?

She: Oh. L Well, in class 12 not only did I always come first in my class, but I also used to come first to my class. I wake up at 3 in the morning, get ready by 3.30 and come to the school by 4. Since the other students usually come to class by 9, I got 5 hours to study. That was my first + point. Then after the classes are over, I go to my tuitions which go from 4 pm to 10 pm everyday. After that, I have my supper and start studying again, till 1 am. I didn’t have any sort of entertainment- be it TV, radio, telephone, mobile phone, Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, Google, iPhone, iPad, iMac, washing machine, mixie, grinder, fans, lights, etc.

Me: So you come to say that you lived like a total caveman? Err… cavewoman? Congrats on that. But what bothers me is that by simple arithmetic, you slept just 2 hours a day? That’s totally impossible!! I mean, not unless you’re an insomniac.

She: Ha ha… People ask me that all the time. But what I’d like to remind you is that while I study all night, you forget the simple fact that I’ve got all day to sleep. So, I do it in 2 shifts in my school. 9 to 12 and 1 to 4 with lunch break 12 to 1 in between.

Me: Also, isn’t it quite suspicious that you got 200 in 4 subjects and 195 in the other two? Just like a grocery list? [200 x 4 = 800, 195 x 2 = 390, 800 + 390 = 1190]

She: Yeah, my dad believes in whole numbers and numbers that amount to round figures. For instance, if I ask him 25 paise, he’d give me 1 rupee. Round… see?

Me: But both the coins are round, aren’t they? Besides 25 paise coins have been wiped out of circulation miss.

She: I meant the amount, silly! Well, that’s my dad…

Me: Well, that was quite an inspiration Ms. Reka. I’m sure your parents would be very proud.

She: Yeah. I take this opportunity to thank my mom, my dad, my grandma, my grandpa, my mama, my maami, my atthai, my chitthi, my chitthappa, my onnu vita perimma, my onnu vita perippa, my newly born cousin, and my pakkatthu veetu paiyyan who has a crush on me…

Me: Heard you’re from Hosur, and your dad is in Ashok Leyland. Can I get to know about those?

She: Hey, I thought this interview was about me. Besides, I’ve spat out here everything that I byhearted, exactly like I did in my +2 exams. So, mind your words mister!

Me: Thank you Reka. [Phew!!]

Name: Kokul Krishnan
Tamil Marks: 198/200

Me: Kokul Krishnan, neenga tamil-la maanilatthuliye mudhal madhippen vaangirukkeenga. Vaazhthukkal.

He: Thanks mate.

Me: Ennanga tamil-la vaazhthu sonna, English-la thanks solreenga?

He: I’m from an English medium school. And I don’t speak tamil very well.

Me: Unga paere vidhyasama irukke? Kokul Krishnan- Numerology-a? Illa, straight tamil to English transliterationaa??

He: Dude, what did I tell you? I don’t speak tamil, man!

Me: Then how come you topped the state in the language, “dude”?

He: That’s the speciality in TN… Just add “Barathiyar koorugirar”, “Bharathidasan koorugirar” and puke some crap on the paper, and they’ll take it to be real serious shit. Try it if you want, man!

Me: Hey, my days of tryin are over. But I still can’t stomach that you little no-good-brat in tamil scored 198!! That’s unfair, you dimwit!!

He: Hey, pull the brakes asshole! Don’t you realize that you’re in TN? Crazy shit happens here. If Anushka the actress, who can’t speak a word in Tamil can receive a “Kalaimamani” award from the TN government, why can’t I score a 198 in tamil in the exams conducted by the same TN government?? Ha??

Me: Hey you’re crossin some fuckin lines buster! You can talk whatever the hell you want about TamilNadu or its stupid education system. But don’t you dare say a single word about Anushka, you loser!

He: You bloody #!$%#@%

Me: Adeengo !#!#@%$#%^$

[The interview was abruptly broken as the two got into a fistfight and the cameraman ran away to save his own life, and his camera. The passersby recorded the fight on their cell-phone cameras and uploaded it on YouTube, and shared it on facebook]

TN Assembly elections
I guess I don’t need to give any introduction here. In fact, I have none.

Victorious candidate: J Jayalalithaa

Me: Hello mam. First, let me congratulate you on your victory, I mean your party’s victory. It looks like the sun is shining bright on the face of AIADMK!

She: Thank you very much. But I’d like to tell you that the days of the shining sun are over. TN is gonna get a huge relief from the scorching SUN and is gonna get some cool soothing shade under the LEAVES.

Me: Wow mam… Wordplay at its best!! Can you comment on the decisive success your party has embraced in the state?

She: To be exact, it is not a victory to me or my party. It is the victory of the people of TN.

Me: Oh…

She: If I can rephrase that, I’d say this is not even a victory to tamilians, but rather, it’s a victory to democracy.

Me: Yes mam. Can you brief me on that?

She: Well, it’s been 10 years that a rule of retrogress prevailed all over the state. This is evident from the various mishaps that you might have seen in the news- acts of corruption and wrong political conduct. The people of TN have been asking for a change, and who better to give it to them than they themselves? The elections were a mere reflection of the people’s mind and they’ve totally put on vote what they require the most.

Me: So to speak, your party has swept a whopping majority in about 200 constituencies, a proportion that is an amazing value!

She: Yes. This is the state’s answer to those who take it to be a joke and play with the people. But the people of TN are not mindless asses to be meddled with, especially in issues involving manipulation of lakhs of crores of rupees.

Me: Definitely mam. The people of TN will not allow the same person to steal, for more than a while. But can I ask you if you want to change the word ass to something a little less unparliamentary?

She: Ha ha ha… I saw that coming. I meant the word ass as a replacement to ‘donkey’. Not the other thing. I’m a state-topper in 10th Matric, mind it!

Me: Oh… Excuse me. I’m a little imaginative… What’s your initial premise mam? What’s the first thing that you’re gonna work on, as soon as you take charge?

She: My first responsibility is to rebuild the state. It’s not an easy task but somebody has to do it. And that somebody has been decided by the people to be me. I’ll increase the number of air-conditioned Volvo buses in the state, build 20 more flyovers connecting the last few areas in Chennai that don’t have a flyover, and hence a land-crisis, yet. My next step will be toward improving healthcare and education. All the more, total emphasis will be on maintaining law and order.

Me: Wouldn’t it be better if you completed the 50 half-built flyovers in the city before starting the construction of new ones? And what about the other specifics mam?

She: You’ll see.

Me: What do you wanna tell the people of TN?

She: Thank you.

Me: Seeing the response to my last pair of questions, I’d like to ask, on a more personal note, about your faith in astrology. Me being the same ‘Maasi magham’ just like you are, do you think I’ll have success in my life too, just like you did now?

She: The people will answer that question too.

[She departed with that answer. But before that, she did 2 things. She showed the people of TN, the victory symbol, actually her party’s symbol- the one used to indicate 2-bathroom, and she showed her middle finger to the interviewer]

Just like they say, both the state toppers and the CM are gonna literally “serve the people”… I guess that’s it for now. Or till I get physically assaulted.

Thambi tea innum varala!! :P


  1. Awesome is one word and merging two of the results was a master class. Could have avoided some colloquial sentences which i felt a little annoying(You will know that as well)

    The best of all - Tamil Topper

    "That’s the speciality in TN… Just add “Barathiyar koorugirar”, “Bharathidasan koorugirar” and puke some crap on the paper, and they’ll take it to be real serious shit. Try it if you want, man!"

  2. Time that you have posted it - seriously shocked and thank you for considering the request of a FAN

  3. Nice one da.. :) Awesome.. :D

  4. loved reading it (except certain places.. u know which ones).. keep it up!!!! Definitely THUMPS UP :)

  5. great da..and i have nothing to say about the relevance of anushka to your writing..but your posts so far have concentrated on a single mood,be it mockery or criticism etc..but this seems to be the odd one(not the mood)with anushka in the centre. i really dono whether this post has come from you in order to attract more readers,but surely it ll..i liked the post..but to be honest, i dont like that anushka stuff added in the centre,only because i think that it dilutes the quality of your blog...

  6. Awesome.. Tamil Topper was the best one... Thevai illam Anushka va en da include panra !!!

    CM ah interview pannadhukku.. Unga veetla eppa petrol bomb vila poradhunnu innum teriyala... Wait pannu !!! Seekarame nadakkum !!! :P

    - Posting an Anon as i dont want a petrol bomb in my house !!! :P

  7. really gud one:)..except certain things which u brought in for humour spoils the class of the blog..otherwise hats off:)

  8. Ha Ha.. Great to read.. Once again you've proved how humorous you are.. Especially the interview with tamil topper was superb.. I wont say as others in the top said.. Anuskha factor-a include pannunathu unnoda obsession-a kaatuthu(Loved it bcoz I'm too a great fan of her)..
    Then +2 results and TN election results-oda "comparison cum merging" sema super..

    P.S: Inime ipdi politics lam ilukkum pothu, be careful.. Petrol bomb enna,ATOM bomb kooda vedikkum..!!

  9. goodness! the +2 topper interview-- is that for real!??!!

    the tamil topper thing was the best though... 'bharathi koorugiraar...' thing was class!


    good blog!

  10. The March 9th Magam baby is gonna rule the blog world one day ! :D :D

  11. 'தமிழ் இனி மெல்ல சாகும்' உண்மையாகிடும்.. கோகுல கிருஷ்ணன் நீ எங்கப்பா இருக்க.. உன்னதான் தேடிட்டு இருக்கேன்...