Saturday, February 12, 2011

The தாடி கலாச்சாரம்

Hi fellas. Sowkkyama??

Thank you for your love and patronage, for the last post i made on Vasan Eye Care was the most commented one so far. It means only one thing- நான் கண் தெரியாம கஷ்டப்பட்டா அத பாத்து சிரிக்க நெறைய பேர் இருக்கீங்க... Good.<:|

If you haven't noticed, i changed my hair-do and ripped off my moustache this year [fiscal]. This has raised a lot of questions among my dear menfolk. So, i asked myself a couple of questions- why did i do it, why didn't i do it before... Just as i attempted to answer them, i went deep to do a preliminary research on facial hair and its various implications and manifestations the world over, and the result? This post. Before getting on to that, let me tell you, THIS POST IS NOT INTENDED TO BE HUMOUROUS. So if you wanna laugh, read your Ethics book written by Mike Martin. Oh, sorry. That book gives you nausea, not laughter...

Basically, I'm a man who loves nature, and go with nature on most things. So, i used to have a haircut and a shave only once a season. So, roughly i'd shave about 4 times a year. I'd look perfectly neat on January 1st and like an uncivilised barbarian on March 31st. Then neat again, and a couple of months later- barbaric. It's a natural cycle. And like nature's cycle which has changed due to global warming and all, i have changed my style too. Now i shave on random days no matter when i shaved last. Doing so, i was able to pluck some hair and some truth from the deep follicles of the male face. These, my dear friends, are what i feel the stages of the beard.

10-point some dudes

The clean face: It's the kind of face that you have on the day you shaved. The skin is smooth and this day is the best to get kissed by someone [preferably a girl].

Sand-paper தாடி: This is possibly the day next to the one you shaved, or the next. This day is when all your hair studs start showing up and your skin is displaced by 2 shades on the FAIR & LOVELY's FAIRNESS METER. Today is definitely NOT the day to get kissed by a woman. She could bruise her lips or worse, tear them. So, abstain from kisses, coz today is aptly called Sand-paper beard day.

Itchy தாடி: I don't think you need any further explanation here. This beard doesn't have any special demarcation, as it can start from the day you shave or on sand-paper beard day, and can last till the end of the next stage.

Velcro தாடி: This is the day when your hair studs boldly rise and show their faces. This can be from the second to the fourth day from your shave. Your skin is displaced by 4 shades in the FAIRNESS METER. Even today is not a good one to get kisses, as it may lead to minor scratches and reddening of the skin. You'd probably have seen some pictures of women with pink cheeks indicating that the girl is blushing. The real thing is, she has rubbed her cheeks a couple of times against the velcro beard. Woollens and other soft materials tend to stick to your face today, and hence the name velcro beard day.

Junior தாடி: Today is the day you can proudly tell everyone that you really have a beard. If you've been following the process for years, your face will still be pretty neat. Otherwise, you'll be looked upon by everyone as a guy right out of a hangover from last night.

Senior தாடி: This is a little more mature version of the previous stage. Even this is pretty decent if maintained properly. Most people just stop with this stage, thinking that being senior is all of it. So, they either trim their beard to this very level or shave it [which takes us back to type 1].

Toilet-brush தாடி: People who reach this stage are often mistaken for bears and are often left out. Those who are styled this way permanently are possibly those depressed guys who lost all hope in life and surrendered themselves to beer. If you don't know it already, drinking Horlicks may not make you grow taller, stronger and sharper, but drinking beer makes your beard grow denser, stronger and faster. From this stage onwards, you should understand that no woman with the smallest proportion of common sense left will look at you.

நான் கடவுள் தாடி: When all other stages are clearly depicted in English, why is this unnecessary inclusion in Tamil, you ask... The thing is, this style of beard is so famous and so common that it demands a special place here. If you belong to this category, you need to pay special attention to your beard unless you're an Aghori, of course.

Santa Claus தாடி: Ho Ho Ho!! Merry Christmas!!! Kids will now come running towards you in malls and supermarkets, and give you their wish-list for X-mas this year. You can use that paper as toilet paper. After 2001, this class of beard is referred to by the British as Dumbledore beard [for obvious reasons].

Father Time தாடி: This is possibly the last identifiable stage of growth of the beard. In simple terms, you have this type of beard when the length of atleast one of the hair strands of your beard exceeds your own height.

The social castaways

 Just like all groups, societies and communities of people have some exceptions and outcasts, even this CULT OF THE BEARD has some exceptions. Below are some i could find- Wolverine, Tony Stark, Jack Sparrow and Fernando Sucre. From our own land come Asal அஜித், Pokkiri விஜய், Singam சூர்யா and the best of all- Thillu Mullu ரஜினி.

Unlikes attract?

Also, from my research, i was able to find out that most men prefer to hang out with men who have a different style of beard. A few famous couples include- Jules & Vincent [Pulp Fiction], Jackie Chan &amp Chris Tucker; [Rush Hour], Kamal & Arjun [குருதி புனல்], Kamal & Prabhudeva [காதலா காதலா] and so on...

Some people do not have a proper beard and get an excuse with a small goatee. Don't worry guys. You'll definitely grow one. I mean, this is not like getting a six-pack ab, you don't have to work hard for this... And I must not forget to tell you about the rate of growth of the beard. Some people [including myself] have their facial hair grown so fast that it's visible to the naked eye. One gives the right cheek a neat sweep with his Gillete Mach-3, and even before he finishes with his left cheek, hair starts growing again on the right. This leads to an infinite process, analogous to an improperly terminated for loop.

I dedicate this post to my class கைதி [Thirunavukkarasu], who asked me very nicely. Ciao ciao all!!!


  1. Good One Man !! Cool... As For Thiru... Avana lam ippadi kekka solli yaaruda solli tharathu ?? :P

  2. :)
    good one.
    George Clooney is one among a very few men who looks cool even when he sports a beard.

  3. @Trojan: Dhaadiya vecche figura madakkara aal anna avan...:P

    @Karthick: I second that...:)

  4. good one da. happy that no dedication is offered to me

  5. @Chinnz: Sorry machi. Amir, Premgi Amaren, Thiruvalluvar... Indha list-la un dhadiyaiyum vecchirukken. Adhanala kalaaikka virumbala...:P

  6. Not humourous nu sollitu ore comedy ah iruku.. :-/
    keep on

  7. SRI RAGHUNATH:facial waxing pathi aaraichi panni sollu da....

  8. Naan panren... But adhu unakku thevappadadhunnu nenaikkaren.
    Venumna body waxing patthi aaraichi pannattuma??:P