Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Hi friends. Sowkkyama??
On Bhogi's day, I had to have my vision checked. Since I did it previously in class 11 at Prem's Eye Clinic [Now Vasan Eye Care], I decided to go to the same place. This post is a narrative of my travel to the hospital and back home. Also, all of us have two individuals inside us- the saint & the sinner, the playboy & the asshole, the guy-who-tops-the-class & the guy-who-washes-out-the-sem [You can see them in the picture]. It is these two guys who help us make decisions, and depending on whose advice we take, our action becomes good or bad. Here I'd like to differentiate the voice of these 2 guys inside me, with colour- green for the good guy and red for the bad guy…

Jan 14, 5 pm

My mom: Kelambu da…
Me: Kelambitten [Chatting in Facebook]

5:05 pm

Mom: Kelambu da…
Me: Kelambitten [Commenting on a photo in facebook]

5:10 pm

Mom: Kelambu da saniyane!!
Me: [Idhukku mela ukkandhirundha asinga asingama thittuvaa] Kelambitten kelambitten…
Mom: Naan venna kooda varattuma?
Me: [Edhukku? Kann doctor kitta nee kanda kanda complaint ellam solradhukka? Vendave vendam!] Unakkedhukku ma veenn sramam? Naane samattha poittu vandhudren…

5:15 pm

Got ready and went to the bus stop @ Pazhavanthangal subway

5:20 pm

Bus arrives. Vandhu 5 nimisham dhane aardhu?? Adhukkullu bus vandhudutthe… Sariyillaiye… I take a closer look at the bus. It is a TATA Motors vehicle. Ennadhu TATA-MarcoPolo vandiya?? Naan aera maatten! Oru Ashok Leyland employee, MarcoPolo vandi-la aerradha?? NEVER!! Ashok Leyland- Viking vandi vandhale ozhiya indha edattha vittu nagara matten. But the bus starts to move and now my conscience gets the better of me. Moodittu aeruda moodhevi!! I hop onto the bus. Hubba! Ukkara edam kedaicchudhe!! I buy a 7-rupee ticket to Saidapet.

Bus crosses Cemetery Road, Aazarkhana, Guindy and then towards Chinna malai. As the bus races past the corporate office of Ashok Leyland, I bend down and prostrate.

Guy sitting next to me: Edhukkuppa kumbudura?? Ingenna Kovila irukku??
Me: Illainga. Enakku velai kuduttha saamiye idhudhan [sentiment in my eyes]…

I point my finger towards the U-TRUCK on display there. The guy throws a strange, disgusting look at me. Arasiyalla idhellam sadharanamappa!

The bus crosses Chinna malai and reaches Saidapet. I get down the bus and walk, in a move to find Vasan Eye Care. After all, avanga dhane sonnanga NAANGA IRUKKOM-nu??

5.40 pm

My mom always tells me to know beforehand the whereabouts of where you're about to go. Having forgot that [just like I forget the rest of her words], I walk through all streets that diverge from Saidapet bus stand. I find myself in front of a cinema theatre, a Kalyana Mandapam, and finally Saidapet Railway Station. Ennada nadakkudhu inga?? Sutthi sutthi ore roadliye nadandhundirukkiye?? Also, I have this habit of DO-IT-YOURSELF when it comes to finding places, which clearly ends in myself being lost…

5.55 pm

Hopeless, tired and obviously lost, I ask directions to the hospital from an auto driver.

Driver: Arch vazhiya nera poittu right…

Seri nadappom vaa…

6 pm

Vasan Eye Care Hospital, at last. Just as I pull the glass door of the unit, the security runs toward me.

Security: Yov engayya pora?
Me: Ulla dhan!! Checkup-kku…
Sec: Idhu OP block ya. Andha veppamaram pakkatthula irukkura block-ku po. Anga dhan checkup ellam…
Me: Solli tholaingalenda!! Ok saar..

I open yet another glass door. As soon as I do, a woman in the hospital's uniform runs toward me.

Woman: Neenga ippo dhan 1st time inga vareengala?
Me: [Yen? Hospitala sutthi kaamikka poreengala??] Uh… Aamam.
Woman: Indha form-a konjam fill pannunga.
Me: [Ennadhu form-aa? Naan enna inga watchman velaikku vandhena? Eye-checkup-ku dhane vandhen?] Ok

Name? Oralavu nyabagam irukku...
Age? Hmmm… Kootti kazhicchu edho pottudalam…
Sex? Answer therinja ore question…
Address? Adhukku dhan 'bit'tu vecchirukkomla?? College ID card…
Phone number, E-mail ID? Sappa question…

The woman comes to me.

Woman: Ok saar. Konjam inga wait pannunga. Unga pera kooppiduvaanga… Counter-la 100 rupees kattittu wait pannunga… Neenga endha doctora paakkanumnu solvanga…
Me: [Oho… Kasu kudukkaradhukku munnadiyum wait pannanum? pinnadiyum wait pannanuma?? Enna oru service!!] Ok ok…

6.15 pm

Nothing much happens… Shit! The tower is down… Double shit! There's no tower at all!!

6.30 pm

Nothing much happens… Except for that one of the employees has walked across the hallway 500 times since my entry into the hospital. Hurrah!!

6.45 pm

Nothing much happens… No! Wait!! There comes this pretty Vasan employee lady who shakes hands with every other employee saying "Happy Pongal!!". Excuse me madam! Naanum naalaikku Pongal kondada poren…

7 pm

Nothing much happens, except that my urinary bladder is almost full… Hereon let's address the Vasan employees as V-boys ok?

Me: [Getting up in spring-action] Present Sir!!!
The whole hospital laughs… Indha asingam unakku thevaiya? Thevaiya??
V-boy: 100 rupees pay pannunga…
Me: [Giving 500 rupees] Ok.
V-boy: ID card vaangikkunga. Inime Vasan Eye Care varumbodhu indha ID Card kondu varanum…

Kondu vandha free-ya treatment pannuvangala??
Illa… Konduvaralainna innoru vaatti andha form-a fill-up panna solli saavadippanga. Eppooodi??
Paravaalla college ID card-a vida idhu nallave irukku…

V-boy: Dr. Mehta… Second floor.

7.05 pm, 2nd floor

Hubba… Tower kedaicchudutthu… I receive 6 new msgs. Adhula 4 msg BSNL-lerundhu… Mobile-la TV paarunga, E-mail check pannunga, Unlimited GPRS, Software download pannunga… Dey! Naan vecchirukkaradhu Nokia 1203 da! Adhula picture msg kooda paakka mudiyadhu!! Aen da saavadikkareenga??

Ah! There is a msg from my school friend Shalini… It reads 'Hi. How are you?' Ennadhidhu?? Indha ponnu namakku ipdiyellam msg anuppa maattale?? The newest msg is also from Shalini, reading- 'Sorry da. Wrongly sent.:)' Thoo!! Indha avamanatthukku thookkula thongalam! 'How are you'nu kekkumbodhu smiley illa… 'Wrongly sent'-ku smiley!

7.10 pm

Me: [Amaidhi… Amaidhi…] Yes?
V-boy 2: Go to that room. We have to perform a cataract test…
Me: [Ennadhu CATARACT TEST-aa??? Power irukkaanu dhane da check panna vandhen? Ippove kann operation panna solvaanga polirukke??] Sir, enakku Cataract-lam illa… Power check panna dhan vandhen.
V-boy 2: It's a normal procedure sir. Bayappadadheenga…

He makes me place my chin on some machine and asks me to look at the picture in the screen. It's a picture of a small farm house with a sun-sky background and a meadow foreground… En 5 vayasu thangai idha vida azhaga padam varaiva sir…

V-boy 2: You're right…
Me: Right? About what??
V-boy 2: You don't have CATARACT…
Raasaa!!! En vayatthula paala vaatthe!!!

7.15 pm

V-boy 3: Saar, kanna nallaa perisa theranga??

He drips a drop of that irritating-eye-checkup-liquid in both my eyes…
Sometime later, he does it again…
A few more minutes, and he drips that liquid again…
One more time…
Now he holds a flashlight in his hand and like he's searching for some small object that rolled to the underside of a bed, aims it at my eyes, which by now have shed a tumbler of tears due to the liquid.

Podhum nirutthuya yov…

Again, that liquid…
Again, that torch light…
Some time later, V-boy3 realises that if he administers one more drop of that liquid to my eye, I'll go blind permanently. So, he sends me to… who else? V-boy 4. My stomach hurts! I need to go to the bathroom!!

He places on my nose, a metal spectacle like thing, and asks me to read alphabets, while himself placing one lens after another, asks, ippo nalla theriyudha?? Ippo nalla theriyudha??
After a couple of tries, he gets totally confused.

V-boy 4: Neenga idhukku munnadi kannadi potrukkeengala??
Me: Aamam… 5 varushama.
V-boy 4: Enna power?
Me: + 0.5, rendu kannliyum.
V-boy 4: Seri, velila wait pannunga. Unga pera koopduvanga. Appo neenga doctor-a poi pakkalam…
Ennadhu marupadiyum wait pannanuma????

Dr. Mehta calls me in. I go there. She asks me to place my chin on a machine. The screen on this machine, unlike the previous machine where I kept my chin, shows a slit of yellow light. This reminds me of the SPECTROMETER experiment in 1st year Physics Lab…

Dr. Mehta: Mr. Achyuthan, I don't think you need any spectacles. You're eyesight is fine.
Me: [Apdiya?? Namakku indha alavukku nalladhu nadandhadhillaye??] Mam, you must be mistaken. I've been wearing glasses for 5 years now. +0.5 on both eyes.
Dr: Then why aren't you wearing them now??
Me: [Good question. Next meet panren] The doctor said it's not a continuous-wear type. So, I just had to use it while reading.

She takes me to the next room, where she puts on me the same metal spectacle like thing and makes me read aloud numbers instead of alphabets. After a couple of tries, I read those silly characters perfectly. But still, I need to take a piss, and I need it very badly…
Dr: Oh my!!!

Enna aachu sollunga doctor, evlo selavanalum paravalla- Achudhana kaappathidunga… Please!!!

Sorry doctor. Paiyan kaila innum 400 rooba dhan irukku. So 400 roobaikkulla kaappaattha mudiyumna kaappaatthunga. Illainna vitrunga. Ozhinjudhu sani!!

Me: What happened doc?
Dr: Your power has increased- from 0.5 to 1.5.
Adhane paathen! Dey soda buddi!!!
Dr: You wait outside. I'll give you the report in a minute
Marupadiyum wait pannanuma????

I come outside and decide to sit on a plastic chair. But first things first.

Me [looking at some blurry image of a person in front of me]: Excuse me sir. Toilet enga irukku??
V-boy 5: Neenga nikkura edatthukku 2 adi munnadi irukku…
Me: [That explains the phenol smell] Thank you!

I go into the toilet and start peeing into the siphon. There is a huge mirror right behind the siphon. Orutthan "chuchu" pogumbodhu avan moonji epdi irukkumnu paatthunde pogalam! Enna oru buddhisaalitthanam??!! This could possibly the longest piss taken by any human in the history of humanity.

I come out and collect my receipt and go to the ground floor. The guys at the reception direct me to the OPTICALS section.

V-boy 6: Sir, report kudunga…
Me: Indhaanga.

The guy stamps the hospital's seal on the report and gives a copy of it to me.

V-boy 6: Saar frame paakkareengala? 500 rupees-lerundhu 25000 rupees varaikkum frames irukku.
Me: [Enakku ungalaiye kannukku theriyala, idhula frame engirundhu theriya pordhu??] Sorry sir. Enakku ippo kanne theriyala. So naalaikku vandhu spex order panren. Sir, time enna?
V-boy 6: 9.05 pm…

I rush out of the hospital and call my mom. Idhukku mattum kannu theriyuma-nu neenga enna kekkalam. That's the advantage of having a name like ACHYUTHAN. My name is the first in my contact list.

Me: Hello! Ma??
My brother: Dey! Checkup pannittiya? Enna power? Enga irukke?
Me: Amma-ta kudra…
Bro: Kannu therliya?? Ha ha ha!!!
Me: Adingo! Amma-ta kudra…

Mom: Solluda. Doctor enna sonna??
Me: Doctor kedakkattum. Maaa, kannu therla ma!!
Mom [Hiding laughter]: Naan appove sonnen kettiya? Periyavaa sonna adhula oru arttham irukkumnu therinjukko!
Me: Artthamellam aprom therinjukkaren. Ippo kannu therla. Konjam vandhu koottindu po ma…
Mom [Laughing]: Adhellam onnum illa da; nee vandhu serndhuduve enakku nambikkai irukku! 10 manikkulla vandha dhan sadham!! Nyabagam vecchukko!
Me: Ma… Ma…

Phone goes dead!

BSNL vaazhga!! BSNL employees vazhga!!
Ayyayyo, veliya varumbodhe mani 9.05… Ippo 9.10, 9.15 aayirukkume!!
Seri enna panradhu? Road-a cross panni bus-stand povom…

A blind guy with a guide stick crosses the road. I follow him, since at present his vision is better than mine…

After reaching the bus stand, I peep into every bus and ask the bus number from a passenger inside. At last, comes an M 18C

Me: Saar. Indha bus number enna?
Conductor: Aen pa? Kannu therla? M 18C. Nee enga povanum?
Me: Aamam na. Kannu therla. Pazhavanthangal subway onnu… [I give a 10-rupee note]
Cond: Enna Vasan Eye Care poittu vandhiya? [Chuckles and gives me a ticket and 2 rupees]
Me: Aamam na… Ticket 7 rooba illa?? 2 rooba dhan bakki kudutthirukkeenga??
Cond: Ticket 8 rooba thambi. Nalla vela nee vandhu aerine… NANGANALLUR-ku kadaisi bus idhu dhan!!

As the bus stops at Chinna malai, a pretty girl enters the bus and takes the seat right in front of me. I try and try, but can't get a glimpse of the girl's face… Damn that hypermetropia!!!

Aandava! Aen enakku mattum ipdiyellam nadakkudhu? Enna madhiri ilaignargalukku AIDS vandhalum paravalla… Long-sight varakkoodadhu!!

Xerox kadaila irukkara naai nalla theriyudhu; Courier kadai vasalla irukkara kezhavi nalla theriyudhu; Aana enakku mundhina seat-la irukkara ponnu moonji theriyaliye!!!

The bus floats via Guindy, Katthippara, Cemetery Road and then Pazhavanthangal. At the subway, I hop down and start walking towards my house. In a minute, I walk up the staircase.

Bro: Dey 9.55-kkellam vandhutte?? Bus udane kedaicchuduttha??
Me: Illa da. Naan patta paadu enakku dhan theriyum. Saadham irukkolliyo??
Bro: Ippo dhan da saaptu mudicchom.
Me: Ennadhu??!!??!!
Mom: Unakku pazhaiya saadhamum naarthanga oorugaaiyum irukku. Nanna saaptu padu…

I fall down, faint and pass out…

Enna koduma saravanan idhu??        Enna koduma saravanan idhu??


Vasan Eye Care: NAANGA IRUKKOM !!!

Me:       NAANGA       KELAMBAROM !!!


  1. Good one...

    :-)... Keep writing. Don't continue with this two language posts! I think that'll add value!

  2. great work... keep it up!!!! :)

  3. Dey how much time you took to write this? I took 25 min to read this :O
    Goiyalaaa Enna writing da!!! Good one but nothing inferable. Good effort though!!! Take up a good subject. In between boring. Best friend ae nu padichaen.

  4. My point exactly...
    Padikka oralavu nalla irukkanum. Padicchadhukkappuram edhukku padicchomne theriya koodadhu!!


  5. Dei.. Superb.. I was Enjoying from the start to the end.. :) Humourous one.. :)

  6. oruthar vidaama ellarayum kalaaichirke..
    as good as ever..
    seri.. chocolate vaangi tharuve la?? comment panten ;) :P :D jk ! :)

  7. Thankoooooooooooooooooooooo! :)

    Chocolate dhane?? Ok Ok... :D

  8. Adey assistant directorgala!! Idha note pannungada!!!

    Thank you verrrrrrrrrrrry much.:)

  9. Superb da...The way of expressiong the things is chanceless...great work..

  10. Best post of yours achu........ I was enjoying it start to end. I felt as though the characters are swapped because i always felt like going with the red one.

    I Love this too........

  11. naai theriyudhu , aaya theriyudhu ...oops ponnu therliyey !!! awesome lines !!! enjoyed to the core !!! keep it up ...

  12. Nice post da. Played with the two well. Keep posting...

  13. good one .. liked the part about the girl in the front seat.. but reading tamil in english script is a bit disturbing.. try to type that part in tamil or stick to one language da !

  14. The mistaken SMS from the girl was nicely done. Although saar, lengtha reduce panna nalla irukkum.

  15. @Mathi: Thanks anna... The thing is, most of my classmates don't read tamil, even though they could speak it well. Will do a better job soon.

    @The usual blogger: Kandippa sir!!!

  16. Hey achu! :) just loved reading this blog of yours!! i ve read oly a few of ur posts. but this was the best one! one reason is definitely coz there is somethin abt me in it ;) i dint feel it to be a big one.. padichunde irukalam pola irundhudu :)it was humourous and made me visualize everything that u had narrated! good job achu! :)keep blogging..expectin more from u! :)

  17. Thank you di... Although it's you whom i've been msging to, for hours together at the time of the incident...;)

  18. I was actually surfing thru google to find if i can have eye checkup without actually buying spects....i got this one....really nice to read.....but however i am going to check my eyes...he..he...he(nan oruthan ivlo solren.)onga mind voice kekuthu boss.

  19. great show achyuthan!!!daasan----SRI

  20. Most humorous of all your blogs. Visualize panni patha innum supera iruku. " Those Red lines particularly " Thoroughly fun..
    Entha bus la yaernalum intha vasan i care thollai thanga mudiala.. Boom tv nu onnu vachukitu torture panrainga..

  21. Now, they're gonna shift to a "WORLD CLASS MEDICAL FACILITY" in Chennai [on GST Road itself]... Innum ennenna nadakka povudho??!!

    To thinesh and shanmu-> Thanks guys...:)
    To SRI-> Following your path to success di...:P

  22. nala varuvenga thambi...msg matter super da...