Saturday, January 15, 2011

Idli vadai sambaar...

Hi fellas! How are you? In order to wipe the tears of those single friends, who don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend [for obvious reasons], i put forth this post. But first of all, I'm warning you that in the following paragraph, I'm gonna ask you a few questions- very personal ones. So, i advise you to push out of your room, your mom, dad, brothers/sisters, cousins, room-mates and of course, the omnipresent "pakkatthu veettu paatti" who has finished watching serials in her house and is sitting in your house to gather shreds of gossip... Ready?

Touch your heart, kidney or some part of your body in proximity to your hands and answer the following questions...

1. Have you ever had the experience of going on an early morning walk/jog, alone on a curvy road flanked on the sides by lush green grass?

2. And after you jog for about 20 minutes, you feel tired and stop at a random point on the road. You take short fast breaths and aimlessly stare at the grass. Have you noticed the small drop of dew on top of a blade of grass with a small sparkle in it?

3. You relax for a couple of minutes and then start jogging again. Then you see a boy-n-girl walking slowly, the boy's hand on the girl's shoulder and the girl's head leaning on the boy's shoulder. Have you felt that it would have been nice if your girlfriend/boyfriend also showed up that way and you were walking like them?

4. Before you wind up your jog, you cross a standard "Nair kadai" and you smell the aroma of fresh milk. Have you ever sat on the 'bench' and said aloud "Nair! Oru special tea!!" and open the newspaper there with a huge sound just to show how brisk you are?

If you've answered a YES to the questions- atleast one of them, you belong to that category of people who think they are heroes in some low budget tamil comedy movie shot in the 1990s mostly in Ooty or you're a retired military officer who says he's unable to leave behind the practise of getting up early, when in fact you have insomnia and can't sleep for more than 10 minutes, even in a POWER SYSTEM ANALYSIS class... You are fit to live there and there only- not in Ooty, but in the 90's. With the year 2000, tamil cinema and hence TamilNadu has bid goodbye to you people...

Now to those who've answered a big NO to those questions... You form the majority of the tamil speaking population and out of some magic force, you are smarter than the previous category. As can be the easy guess of any common man, the reasons for your NO could be-

1. You didn't actually go for a jog because you were sleeping under a blanket- snug and cozy- and also you threw the alarm out of the window as soon as it rang...

2. You haven't woken up yet, and so you'd not be feeling tired. Even if you did wake up, if you had really jogged for 20 minutes, you'd not be tired... You'd be DEAD!

3. Ok. You DID wake up, you DID jog, you DID stay alive and you DID get tired... What would you do if you saw a guy with his girl? If the girl was cute, you'd do something stupid to attract the attention of her, even if you know that it will end in a worthless attempt. Or, you'd be fuming from your ears in envy, thinking how that guy got lucky... Either way, you won't be thinking about your girlfriend/boyfriend clearly because, let's face it, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!!

4. Lastly, about the "Nair kadai climax". If you have the smallest amount of common sense, you'd have stopped me saying that the question is fishy... Endha tea kadaila milk aroma vandhirukku?? We testify what they give us as tea, only by touching it. If it's warm and brown, it's tea [or coffee]; if it's warm and white, it's milk; if it's warm and colourless, it's venneer; if it's not warm- God save you...

Ok. Now you can let your family and friends into your room. But not the "pakkatthu veettu paatti"!
Desperate singles are everywhere. Gather enough saliva in your mouth and spit it with force in any direction. I bet it'll land on a guy who's single and longing for a girlfriend [Single girls have umbrellas to protect themselves!]. These people are so single that even their mere presence could make someone lose his/her mate... Unfortunately i fall in this category too. Once i accompanied a friend of mine to a cinema. I think it's BOSS [a] BASKARAN. We went to the theatre, and we happened to see a collegemate of his. As soon as she saw him, she jumped up and ran towards him and cheerfully shouting "Shree! What a surprise!!", she hugged him. A nice sight of course [she was a mokka figure, otherwise my heart would have been blown into a million pieces there]. The 3 of us watched the movie together, and while he went out to get some popcorn, i sneaked next to her and whispered a few words into her ear.

Me: Sangi... I know you're this 'modern girl' and all... But is it really necessary to hug Shriram in front of 100 people??
She: Why? What's wrong?
Me: Technically speaking, there's nothing "wrong" in it. But don't you feel that it's sort of like uneasy??
She: Nope... Not one bit. [obviously!]
Me: Haven't you heard of these words- Accham, madam, naanam, payirppu?? There is a slight possibility that your mom told you about all these when you were about 16 years of age??
She: Duh! I know all that. But to be frank, i don't feel all that with Shri...
Me: Why? Are you in love with him?
She: Hell NO! He's gay... That's why.
Me: Aiyo!! He's not gay!!
She: I think so... Isn't he?
Me: I know him like the back of my hand. He ain't gay at all... In fact we've slept in the same bed together. If he's gay i'd have been the first one to know.
She: Aiyo!! He's not gay?? Aaagh!!
Me: IMPOTENT? YES!  GAY? NO!!

A couple of drops of tears rolled down her cheeks. And Shriram came, knowing nothing of our conversation. The movie was done, and we went home. Weeks rolled by and i never heard from Sangeetha. One day, Shriram told me that after the movie, Sangi wasn't getting along with him and that she's started avoiding him [No more 'theatre-hugs'; good for her!]. Days later, he told me that he's seeing her with another guy regularly...

He asked me "Ennada panna?"... I replied Chandramukhi-Rajni style, "Naan nalladhu dhan pannen!". "Inime nee yaarukkume nalladhu panna koodadhu da...", he said and gave me a blow on my chin!! It didn't hurt me much... Whatever be it, at the end of the day, girls encourage casual hugs only because they think of such boys as gay, and that their sexual security is ensured. So, if you don't get such hugs, remember- YOU'RE NOT GAY! Anyhow, girlfriend illadhor sangatthukku innoru adimai sikkittaan... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!

Now being Pongal time, i wished everyone "Happy pongal!". It does feel stupid to celebrate a festival which has the name of a food item- and a 'not-so-cool' item at that. We used to call lazy sluggish persons "Pongal thinniya?" But on that one particular day, almost the entire state consumes the same shit... Not only humans, but also cows and oxen... If we have a day dedicated to Pongal, then what about idli, dosai, upma and most importantly kichhadi? From a friend, i came to know that in other states they had a more decent name to the harvest festival- Makar Sankranthi. But, i also learnt that they do the same stupid things that we do.

Ok, coming back to the topic, I take pride in removing Sangeetha out of Shriram's life [I can hear your 'Thank you' wherever i go, Sangi!!]. Just by a few seconds of conversation, a single guy has made another guy single! SINGLEness thus spreads like a virus. To this day, Shriram is lazy, hazy and disinterested- just like he's been eating PONGAL all lifetime. Another impact of the PONGAL tradition. After all, it's PONGAL and I'm SINGLE!!

Anyways, as a final word of advice to those who have a girlfriend/boyfriend- don't hang out with singles. You have a bright chance of losing your mate; and a brighter chance of losing your mate to that 'single' friend of yours. Otherwise, YOU STAY SINGLE!

Happy Pongal everyone!
And happy idli, vadai, sambaar too!!

Ok. Now you can let in your "pakkatthu veettu paatti"...:)

14 comments:

  1. You have a kind of dark humour style da.. good one.. keep writing

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  2. Thanks anna [If that's a compliment]...:)

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  3. Dei... Paavam da andha payyan Sriram.. Enna daan mokka fig ah irundalum.. avan paavam thaan!!! :P

    Anyway.. sema story da... unnoda humor sense superb ah irukku.. continue writing stuff lik this!!! :)

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  4. morals of the story:

    1) don't take achyuthan to films. You'll see your girl friend there, accidentally and you'll have to lose one!

    2) adhaan girl friend ae illa, aprenna daa single? Konjam per dhaan single, neraya per double, triple... Apdiye pogudhu! Unga group 'nil' da

    ->'Pakkathu veettu paati' ku, padika therla naalum, avunga veliya poidanuma?

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  5. Raghunathji... Ungalukku irukkara girlfriends nreaya paer... Adhanala enga kashtamellam ungalukku puriyadhu... Neengal ezhudhiya comment adhigaravargatthin [specifically unnudaiya] melongiya control-i kaattugiradhu...:P

    And for your question, pakkatthu veettu paattikku KANNU THERIYALENNA kooda avanga veliya poidanum!!

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  6. Hey great one Achu, as school frnd of yours i see the same old Achu who wld use the same temper to scold P***** and D**** ;).
    As a writer I understand the pain you have taken to maintain the flow of the blog.
    As a lazy reader, I appreciate you that you made me read the article fully :O
    As your friend always am "SINGLE" but READY TO MINGLE!!! ;)

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  7. P****** & D****??

    Yup!! Marakka mudiyuma??:)

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  8. On Hari's Special request...i would like to take the liberty of posting certain criticisms pertaining to your article..Sir "Wolverine"
    Hope u don't mind to that :D

    The very first being, the incident that u've taken in support to your argument of "Being happy, when single"...I somehow feel that Mr shreeram and Ms sangi were not in a relationship as per the background the u've provided that readers with...so being single from a relationship that never existed doesn't make sense to me :/
    Secondly, My views are a bit contradicting in nature of the topic that you chose to highlight ~~~
    The way that i look at a particular relationship is kinda different as i feel that being in a relationship only strengthens one from within and helps understand the positive intricacies of life and beyond !!!

    :DDDDD

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  9. Mr. Patel,

    Pleasure knowing that you've read my blog. Even my own brother considers reading my blog a waste of time. But you've read it on Hari's request. I'm totally flattered. But let me tell you a few things.

    1. I do not belong to the category of guys who analyse what a 'relationship' could mean.

    2. Rather, i [and for that case, even Hari] belong to that set of guys who are born to break boy-girl relationships, even if it means a mere 'eye-contact'...

    3. I've read Chetan Bhagat's '2 states'. Even though i don't wanna declare that i'm from a family a tamil brahmin family about a 100 times more orthodox than Ananya's family, I have a rough idea of how IIMs operate, and what they mean by a relationship.

    4. More importantly, I'M SINGLE!!!

    Thanks again for reading my post. I just wanna know if i made you smile somewhere...:)

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  10. hi achu :)

    first lemme appreciate you for the responsibility and pain that you always take to make your blogs a good one ..

    Normally, you use to add humor in your content.Thats pretty good, and many times i have enjoyed it. But this blog seems to be, as if you have added content in humor. This blog doesn't make much of sense and it sucks out only dry humor.

    Being a single, i too knw the pros of it and i am really enjoying it . Reading your reply to Mr.Patel's comment, i would like to say you one thing. Ideal relationship is impossible. not oly with one's gal/guy, but also with one's sibling, parents and watever.hoping that , one day yo too will be in relationship..Also i strongly recommend you to analyse wat a relationship is, if and oly if, you have a plan of getting married in future..

    You have the caliber to present much better blogs..Hope you don't mind, and you understand, that , i say everything to make my frnd's blog better... keep blogging :)

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  11. "Touch your heart, kidney or some part of your body in proximity to your hands and answer the following questions..."

    This is special and question,answers are the highlight da. keep writing man.

    I love it

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  12. It is not so difficult to stay awake in PSA class.
    I wake up late but have enjoyed nature as in first point. I do not want to be a hero in a 1990 film.

    These were my immediate reactions as i read your post. Being single is, indeed great. i thouroghly enjoyed your dry humour.

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