Thursday, June 30, 2011

வந்தான் வென்றான்... and சென்றான்

Hey, hi! How you doin??

It's been such a busy time for many of us, and at this crucial juncture, i'd like to retire.
Yup... I can hear your "Hurrah!!"s from here.

It's a mere accident that brought me to the world of blogging. And I've had quite a wonderful journey so far. I've touched quite a few topics, and even now, I wanna write an article about Reality shows. But i'd rather choose not to. Many of my posts were aimed at humour and I can proudly say I've made many of you laugh [or at the least, smile]. Thank you for your patience and patronage. I'm sure you won't be troubled by my notifications about the blog anymore. Many have read it voraciously, many for light reading, many have commented on it, and many have appreciated me [I can never forget the titles 'Cyrus Broacha of Nanganallur' and 'Successor to Balakumar']. I wanna thank you all.

All good things must come to an end.
Some bad things also come to an end.

I hope that my blog falls under the 1st category. Even if you think it falls under the 2nd, thank you, for atleast you've read it...
Adieu, Adios, Arrivederci, Goodbye, Sayōnara and VANAKKAM... :)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The unconstitutional right to contempt

It’s here. It’s big. And it’s spreading fast.

It might sound like I’m describing some disease or some cult. Well, I’m not talking about either. I’m warning you. If you’re vulnerable to sexually explicit content, please redirect from this page.

Since the decriminalization of homosexuality in India in 2009, things have been stirred up. I don’t know if it’s for the right or wrong, but yes, it’s raising a lot of hype. We’ve read about LGBT [Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender], and even had hard laughs with romantic comedies with a mild flavor of gayishness in Dostana and Goa.

Ok, why am I saying all this to you? Today I read an article in THE HINDU [‘Flight of the Rainbow coalition’ in NXG dated 23/6/2011]. Just like there is a ‘GAY PRIDE’ in the US of A, they’ve started a march here in Chennai. Guys of my age… I’m sure you’ve learnt about homosexuality from books and the media, and definitely not from your parents. So what if a child, say 5 years old takes a walk on the Marina beach road with his grandma, and looks at this march? Any curious mind will ask the question, “Paatti! Who are those people? And what are they doing? What does ‘gay’ mean??” This naturally forces the poor old lady to deliberately lie to the young one, purely because of the fact that, the child is not old enough, or more clearly the mind of the child is not mature enough to understand the concept. Of course she can always take a detour- tell the child that ‘gay’ means ‘happy’ [yes, it does!] and those people in the parade wanna be happy. The immediate response of the kid would be “Paatti! Paatti! Then, I wanna be gay too!!” Well, I’m sure many of us don’t wanna hear that from our grandchildren.

This is the thing that bugs me. There are a lot of people out there who have problems with their sexuality. While the rich ones make it to Singapore and US and become Rose, Lily and Lavender, while those who are not, go to Chennai Central and pester the passengers of trains and plunder. I mean, who gave you the right? I’ve seen a number of cases where the transgender asks [not politely, but rather in a forceful manner] for money, and the person, due to some inherent feeling of nervousness, gives some bucks [The trans does not accept any coins, the minimum ‘fee’ being 10 rupees]. But if he doesn’t, the trans will stroke the guy’s hair, caress the body and even his private parts [such movements can be seen only in Simbu's intro songs in tamil movies]. Only a person of steely resolve will still hold strong. Let me ask something to the trans people. Will you offer money to some straight guy if he does the same to you? You’d rather scream and shout and gather man power to beat the shit out of that guy!! So what gives you the right to do something onto others, what you’d never wanna have done to yourself? Curiously, the transgenders never seem to try that on women. That way, I’m happy that at least they are safe.

About the people who really have problems… Some have taken strides to become software engineers, TV show hosts and into other professions of good income and name. They even have organizations and self-help groups. There are laws to protect and safeguard their rights as humans [on the contrary, there are no laws to protect straight people]. Then why do they keep on troubling innocent straight civilians? Is it our fault to be straight? It is those people who have been reasons for their own doom. Not anybody else. But the only thing that makes me feel sorry for them is the portrayal of such people in movies. But again, after what I’ve seen I really can’t make a statement.

I feel that it’s ok if people do corrective surgery to get rid of sexual disorders. I mean, it’s just like any other surgery, it’s just that it’ll make the person fit for something that he was not. But sex-change surgeries, I feel, are leading people in a wrong direction. Genoplasty, as scientists say, can turn a male into a female, and vice versa. This, I hate for 2 reasons
  • Changing a child’s sex in foetal stage or in infancy denies the child of its right to choose its sex
  • Changing one’s sex in adult stage sounds a little meaningless to me, coz if you have a problem with that, you can always approach LGBT help centres. But in the long run, it is relatively ok, for the person undergoes the surgery with his complete consent, and nobody can deny one of one’s rights

The first case is prevalent in some parts of India, as they change the sex of the foetus from female to male with the help of some hormones. By simple mathematics, this is twice as harmful as female infanticide, and it can drastically affect the male-female ratio. In most hospitals of the country determination of the sex of the foetus is illegal. So, as long as there are no hard forged laws to put a check on such surgeries, the ratio problem will only loom larger.

And coming back to the GAY PRIDE. I sincerely do not understand what’s so proud about being gay. It’s just another state of being. I mean, I’m not proud to be straight, and definitely not proud to be male [Yeah, I’ve seen the slogans ‘Proud to be a woman’. As if they got anything else to be??!!]. But that’s what is destined for me. And at no point of time I’m gonna regret that, because I’ve got bigger problems to worry about and bigger things to do, than hold a signboard in my hand that says ‘Proud to be a man’ on Men’s’ day [Wait a minute! Do we really have something called Men’s day?? Oh well…] I strictly believe that one can very well be proud of something that he’s earned out of his own hard labour. Let me illustrate.
  • One cannot be proud of his nationality or race. I mean you cannot be proud to be an Indian, or a Tamil, or a Bengali or a Punjabi. I can hear your ‘boo’s from here. But the thing is, what did YOU do to be born in India? You are one among 1.21 billion Indians, 72.1 million tamils etc. You can’t be proud of something like that. That doesn’t make sense. As Valluvar says- PIRAPPOKKUM ELLA UYIRKKUM SIRAPPOVVA SEITHOZHIL VETRUMAIYAAN.
  • Now is where I wanna contradict Valluvar- SIRAPPOVVA SEITHOZHIL VETRUMAIYAN. Even that is not right, because every form of work is important to human life as we are all interdependent. A barber cannot be compared to a farmer, who cannot be compared to a software professional, in terms of the work they do. All forms of work are important and all kinds of people are important as long as they are sincere in the work they do. ENDHA THOZHIL SEIDHAL ENNA SEIYYUM THOZHIL DHEIVAM ENRU PATTUKKOTTAI PAATTIL SONNARE says Rajni. “Well, being an actor is no different from being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion” says actor Kirk Lazarus [Tropic Thunder].
  • One cannot be proud to have a dad or a mom like the one he/she already does. Rather, one can say he’s lucky to have such parents. On the other hand, one can always be proud [instead of lucky] to have children like he/she does. That’s because people put sincere efforts to bring up their children, and it’s because of them, their children are the way they are.
  • One cannot be proud of one’s gender

On the other hand
  • One can be proud of one’s salary, even if it’s a single paisa, for he has earned it out of sweat
  • One can be proud of one’s actions, even if it is the smallest help to your neighbor
  • One can be proud of one’s feats, even if they don’t’ make it to the GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS

The essence of my argument is that one can be proud of things that one invents/creates/earns, and not for anything else. My point? Be proud of what you did, not what you are. Of course, actions speak louder than words, don’t they?

So being gay is definitely not something one needs to be proud of.

The last thing that pisses me off is women’s rights. Even today I saw a number of women sitting on seats on the right side of the bus [where I live, the left is for women and the right, men], while all those who were standing were men. Same is the case with trains. The general coaches are jam-packed with people while the women’s coaches are free most of the time. This is what I call sexual discrimination. I remember someone saying ‘You can’t have the cake and eat it too’. Now women have their cakes and eat men’s too. A nasty blow to the guy who invented the proverb.

I do believe in sexual equality, of men, women and everyone in between. But these are a few things that make me turn my back at the idea. I hope some day the society will be free from all evils [starting from robbery and murder to sexual evils]. But until then I remain anti-LGBT, anti-feminist and anti-‘anything that hurts my feelings’, for I belong to the weak, uncared and unprivileged sex.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Another ordinary useless day

I can’t sleep. It’s not that I’ve already had a small day-time nap, but I can’t sleep. Something is bothering my mind. It’s 1 in the am and it’s totally awkward for a boy of my age to wake up in the middle of the night [either way, 1 o clock isn’t exactly the middle, but I think you get my point]. You can argue that many youngsters in fact ARE awake at this time of the night, texting or talking to their loved ones [loved ones- sarcasm intended]. But I don’t… Pretty much because almost no girl texts me during the day in the first place, let alone at night. If kadalai is a measure of one’s social status, then I come under the ‘Most Backward Class’.

Filling up my contract forms almost took a couple of days. And now, it’s over. I have almost 10 days to what I can call ‘My call from above!’ Yeah… My company wants me to take charge in 10 days. And so, this is officially the last ‘summer holidays’ I’m gonna have. My stomach is giving out sounds that could otherwise be heard from tyrannosauruses in JURASSIC PARK movies. Damn it! I’m hungry.

I go to the kitchen in slow motion and see if I can find something to eat. When I switch on the light, all I can see in the dim yellow glow of the 25W SURYA BULB is a family of cockroaches. I’m not sure if they’re literally from a single family, but yeah, they sure look similar… I go back to the hall and bring in there the day’s DINAMALAR newspaper, roll it into a club and beat those roaches. A brilliant timepass for a 21-year old at 2 am. Just like those hungry ambitious cockroaches [which I mercilessly assassinated just now] I too search the kitchen, move from shelf to shelf in search of food. Nothing…. The night’s share of rice has been soaked in water, the idli maavu dabba is empty, no milk, and as a last resort, I look for the mighty pottu kadalai. Just then, I find a pack of GOOD DAY biscuits, half-empty. I finish the remaining 5 in the pack and crush the wrapper. I threw it in the dustbin and take a drink of ice-water from the fridge. I hope at least now I’ll be able to sleep.

I roll this side, I roll that side, I place my leg on my brother, who now sounds like a TAFE tractor, snoring… Shit! I can’t sleep. I become extremely desperate, type the expression “Hi!!J” in my mobile and send it to a couple of friends. What am I thinking?? Who’d be awake at 3.30 in the morning, just because I can’t sleep? Oh well… I start to do something useful- visit Wikipedia in my mobile’s Opera Mini 5. I start to read about Hollywood actors. That’s where I go wrong. I should instead read something that is classified boring, so I’ll go to sleep…

It’s 4.15 and I still can’t sleep. But those tyrannosaurs inside my tummy have been silent for quite some time. Something is better than nothing. Enough of this! If sleep doesn’t come to me, I should better be going to it. Varamattennu sonnana?? Appo NAAMA povom!!! I get up and roll my jamakkaalam and pillow. I run upstairs to the motta maadi and try to catch some sleep there, where it’s cooler. No. Even nature is against me. The sun is approaching and the sky pretends to be a chameleon and changes colour. A number of crows circle above where I lay. One of them sits on a PVC pipe that is one of the arteries of my apartment’s water supply. Immediately the others follow it. So, when one lands on the pipe, the one which is already on the pipe flies away due to the jerk [I’m not scolding the crow. I mean the physical jerk on the pipe] making a hell lot of noise. Now I see where the inspiration to the ANGRY BIRDS game comes from.

Ok. If you can’t beat them, join them. Once in a few years I wake up at such early hours and so it wouldn’t hurt to do a little sandhya vandhanam. And then while I count from 1 to 30 for a small pushup routine, I notice something. A few years ago, there were only poles and clothes line on the motta maadis, but now every building has these little dishes- receivers of DTH. And how many different kinds of them! Airtel, Videocon, Sun Direct, Dish TV, Reliance Big TV, Tata Sky… Which brings me to the question- What is the need to include a rhyming tagline for something relating to technology? [Isko lagaa daalaa, toh life jingaalaalaa, Veettukku veedu Sun, Tan tanaa tan] I mean, what does jingaalaalaa mean? Oh well…

I brush my teeth, take a bath and have my breakfast. I sit down for another day of strenuous TV watching. And voila! Powercut!! I might as well go to the bank. They have a backup generator there. SBI Nanganallur is always a busy place, no matter what part of the year it is. There is always the thirumann-srichurnam clad mama who can’t differentiate between the withdrawal slip and the deposit challan. Then there is the droopy old lady with a walking stick who wants someone to fill her form so she can take home her late husband’s pension money. There is this middle-aged lady who is ready to grab a seat as soon as it is vacant. There is the other middle-aged lady who wants you to donate your seat to her. There is this NRI guy who always has problems with this account. Finally, there is this cute cuddly scantily dressed [sleeveless low neck t-shirt (or banian) with a low hip jean with the bottom rolled till the thigh. If you don’t think this is glamour, I don’t know what is] girl with excessive makeup making her seem like she’s not from around these places. If it were not for the last category of people, nobody in the suburb would have even had an account in the branch. It is a cardinal rule that every token on the counter had a difference of at least 50 with the one currently dispatched. For me? It is 200. Finishing with the banking and going on with brunch.

After that the general facebook routine, followed by the mail checking process and the disciplined blog reading procedure. Then again with the TV watching routine. Very well with the hours going by. I can understand that you find that grammar is missing from the above sentences. Oh well, evvalavo panrom, idha panna mattoma?  It’s night now and it’s time for supper [again]. Again with the TV watching schedule. AXN, S-PIX, Movies NOW… Conclude the day with Phineas & Ferb. Glory to the soul which introduced me to it. As always I end the day with the usual thoughts that every Indian mind thinks before it goes to sleep-

Why is India a dumping ground for most 3rd grade products?

When will we have a clean democracy and unadulterated politics?

Why is Katrina Kaif so cute?

Monday, May 30, 2011

Myths about ENDHIRAN busted!

Hi. Brass Tacks here. I just do not understand what made ‘Endhiran’ click. Is it because the entire Tamil population [or the entire Indian population, since the movie was a multilingual release] has a cabbage in their heads instead of a brain, or because Shankar and Rajnikanth don’t?? For the untrained eye, Rajnikanth is an actor in the Kodambakkam movie factory, who is, in many respects, comparable to Amitabh Bacchan of the Bombay movie factory. I can back that up with statements from a lot of movie reviewers, although I’ve not seen a single movie of Amitabh’s. But my point is, Amitabh has been looking at himself in the mirror for quite sometime, and so he has been taking roles that, atleast approximately, reflect his actual age. But not Rajnikanth! Had he been doing that, Santa-Banta and Fropki websites would have been gestating with jokes of, let’s say, Barack Obama instead of Rajni!

What I’m saying is, why does Rajni do all these crap? I mean, he is a 60 year old guy. Why not portray a 60 year old guy on screen? If he thinks that the omnipresent “Tamil audience” won’t accept it, take a look again. The success mantra to Kollywood movies of yesteryear was- title song, hero/heroine/villain intro, some mokka comedy, some sentiments, some fights and finally, the clichéd climax. But the recent movies have proved otherwise thanks to their inspiring storylines, some of which are blatantly stolen from Hollywood. So, if Rajni thinks his so-called image will go down the Koovum river if he plays an old guy, take a look at Amitabh, or better, Al Pacino!! They don’t sing duet songs or dance[?!] with girls one-third their age. But their movies become big hits in the box office. So my humble suggestion would be- Stop playing such roles Mr. Rajnikanth. And leave the task of exploiting Deepika Padukone’s skin to youngsters like me… I mean, younger actors.:P

Ok. I’m just gonna narrow down my discussion. I watched the movie SIVAJI once. And it was quite ok. But when I watched it the second time, it was nothing more than a sit-com show. Endhiran, I tried to watch but it’s so full of excrement [meaning ‘shit’], that I started sleeping after 20 minutes. But I gathered all my courage and watched the interesting parts of the movie [for the record, I was cheated by the word ‘interesting’]. And I’ve clearly seen what Chitti the robot can do. And let me tell you what an actual robot CAN NOT do. This is a tribute to all my EIE friends, who know a lot about robots than I [or for that case, director Shankar] do. And this I write on a special request from my classmate, Sri Vatsan.

What an actual robot cannot do

A robot, by definition, is a machine that closely resembles humans in looks, purpose, functioning or other traits, created to do work that, otherwise, a human would ask salary for… So obviously, there are limitations to the ability of a robot. The following are a few.

• Robots built for research are mainly for study and analysis for what they can do. So, they are not aimed to look exactly like a human being.

• Robots built for commercial use- like domestic helper robots- need not have karate, bharathanatyam or music fed into them.

• But in the story, the robot was built as a replacement to human soldiers! [ROFLMAO] If that is so, one would understand the environment a soldier has to face. There is no need for a soldier robot to look exactly like a human replica, at least as far as the face is concerned.

• If we move towards the basics, the visual input to the robot is not as tiny as the two eyes. And more importantly, the input device cannot, in any way, act as a projector, let alone projecting images on thin air.

• The status msgs on the robots so called visual reception, are absolutely unnecessary even to the robot. It’s a shameless steal from the TERMINATOR franchise of movies.

• Likewise is the case with the audio output from the robot. If the actual purpose of such a mechanism is to just convey through sounds, what the robot wants to convey, a simple speaker arrangement with text-to-speech software is sufficient. It need not have a mouth, or lips.

• This is the real kicker. How many of us have thought about how the robot moves? So far as I know, even the simplest of motion patterns of a robot require a combination of electric motors aided by pneumatic or hydraulic actuators [Yep! You guessed it- Ironman] Even such a perfect combination will not be able to reproduce the elegance of a human [especially women:P]. But not in Endhiran!

• Another similar entry- Walking. Science says that any object should have atleast 3 points of support on the ground in order to be stable and the centre of gravity of the object must lie within the triangle thus formed. Most animals walk on 4 legs, and if you might have noticed keenly, all animals [from 4-footed ones to millipedes] have at least 3 feet on the ground at any point of time. Only if the animal is running or hopping does it break this rule. Humans and other animals that walk on 2 feet do so by delocalizing the projection of the centre of mass on their feet. This is why the upper and lower parts of the underside of the feet are hard, while the middle is comparatively softer. But most importantly, this is why we are able to walk. A robot can NOT do that.

• How is possible for the robot to charge itself from different sources of power? A dedicated 1A DC source in the laboratory, a car battery, railway mains of several hundred volts AC, what else? May be he should have tried charging the robot with static electricity from the clouds or better, lightning!! [4 varusham ‘FULL NIGHT’ pottu padiccha naangallam kena pasangala??]

• A robot cannot lift an LCD TV or anything that is heavy enough to disturb its centre of mass.

• A robot cannot RUN.

• A robot cannot feel. It cannot love. It cannot pee. It cannot puke. [The last two don’t appear in the movie however ;)].

• One question- I’ve seen parents name their kids with specific reasons, and families and clans thus develop unique naming patterns. How come a family named their first child ‘Vaseegaran’ [a clean red tamil name], wheareas the second kid is named ‘Chitti Babu’? [a pakka local Madras tamil name. Wait a minute! ‘Babu’ is telugu, isn’t it?? :O] Welcome to the family of partiality!

• Not only a robot; no creature, or creation can simply ‘slide’ on a railway track. The idea stinks like the ‘Cooum’ river over which those train tracks are laid. [Dey! Tambaratthukkum Beachukkum naduvula etthana station irukkunu unakku theriyumada??]

• Oh no! The fights. Don’t get me started with that…

• A robot cannot speak to mosquitoes

• And as a converse to the above theorem, Mosquitoes cannot speak to the robot

• A robot cannot develop giant magnetic fields. So, it can NOT form those fancy shapes like sphere, or a snake or a gigantic man

• A robot can not create a ‘hand-gun’

• A robot cannot, I repeat, can NOT rotate its head.

I guess this is quite enough from me. But as a token of appreciation, let me tell you what a robot can do. IT CAN DEFINITELY EXTEND ITS MIDDLE FINGER. Guys, if you want a better robot entertainer, I suggest you watch “Vicky the robot” of the Small Wonder series. Who knows? May be some day in the far far future, a robot might be able to do some [or all] of those things. But I'm damn sure it won't look like Rajnikanth...

To Shankar: Poi pulla kuttingala padikka vainga saar!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The topple of the toppers

Hi friends… Easily, one of the most talked-about topics of this week is the results. Yup! Both +2 Public examinations and TN Assembly elections alike. But the most puzzling thing about this is that there are comparatively too many tweets about the results than the blogs. Why? Have we all gone to the “Brevity is my charm” era?? Most certainly not!! At least as far as the toppers are concerned. Wait a minute… That might not add up now, but what I was trying to point at was the winners’ speech.

My brother took the +2 public exams this year, and adding pride to the family name, he slept in the exam hall [on the day of Physics], while a couple of weeks later, I did the same thing in my exam hall [for Total Quality Management]. But as the day turned out, it worked quite well. Anyway, I got this wonderful opportunity to interview the toppers in person.

Student’s Name: K. Reka
Total Marks: 1190/1200

Me: Hi Reka. J

She: Hi stranger with a mic. :/

Me: You’ve topped the state in the board exams. What do you feel about that?

She: What else? I’m extremely happy. :D :D

Me: Oh… Do you have any secret under your sleeve that might help someone next year?

She: Oh yeah… I figured out when I was in class 11 that you people ask the same question to the toppers year after year. So, I made a list of things I did from when I was 2 years old, like a reckoner, to be given as a handout, just in case I got to be the state topper. What are the odds?? Ok, here goes. When I was 2 months old, my mom stopped breastfeeding me, and I started drinking Memoryvita, the health drink that boosts your brain. When I was a year old, I started tearing newspapers to shreds. This gave a small clue to my parents that I’m gonna be good with paperwork. When I was 5, I won all the rangoli competitions I participated in. This further assured my good marks in the +2 exams, as it is mostly about presenting the paper with the most vibrant colours possible. I even tried using water-colour painting in my chemistry exams. When I was 9…

Me: Uh… Reka, I’m quite sure that you have a grand list. But due to time constraints, can you bypass all those and come straight to class 12?

She: Oh. L Well, in class 12 not only did I always come first in my class, but I also used to come first to my class. I wake up at 3 in the morning, get ready by 3.30 and come to the school by 4. Since the other students usually come to class by 9, I got 5 hours to study. That was my first + point. Then after the classes are over, I go to my tuitions which go from 4 pm to 10 pm everyday. After that, I have my supper and start studying again, till 1 am. I didn’t have any sort of entertainment- be it TV, radio, telephone, mobile phone, Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, Google, iPhone, iPad, iMac, washing machine, mixie, grinder, fans, lights, etc.

Me: So you come to say that you lived like a total caveman? Err… cavewoman? Congrats on that. But what bothers me is that by simple arithmetic, you slept just 2 hours a day? That’s totally impossible!! I mean, not unless you’re an insomniac.

She: Ha ha… People ask me that all the time. But what I’d like to remind you is that while I study all night, you forget the simple fact that I’ve got all day to sleep. So, I do it in 2 shifts in my school. 9 to 12 and 1 to 4 with lunch break 12 to 1 in between.

Me: Also, isn’t it quite suspicious that you got 200 in 4 subjects and 195 in the other two? Just like a grocery list? [200 x 4 = 800, 195 x 2 = 390, 800 + 390 = 1190]

She: Yeah, my dad believes in whole numbers and numbers that amount to round figures. For instance, if I ask him 25 paise, he’d give me 1 rupee. Round… see?

Me: But both the coins are round, aren’t they? Besides 25 paise coins have been wiped out of circulation miss.

She: I meant the amount, silly! Well, that’s my dad…

Me: Well, that was quite an inspiration Ms. Reka. I’m sure your parents would be very proud.

She: Yeah. I take this opportunity to thank my mom, my dad, my grandma, my grandpa, my mama, my maami, my atthai, my chitthi, my chitthappa, my onnu vita perimma, my onnu vita perippa, my newly born cousin, and my pakkatthu veetu paiyyan who has a crush on me…

Me: Heard you’re from Hosur, and your dad is in Ashok Leyland. Can I get to know about those?

She: Hey, I thought this interview was about me. Besides, I’ve spat out here everything that I byhearted, exactly like I did in my +2 exams. So, mind your words mister!

Me: Thank you Reka. [Phew!!]

Name: Kokul Krishnan
Tamil Marks: 198/200

Me: Kokul Krishnan, neenga tamil-la maanilatthuliye mudhal madhippen vaangirukkeenga. Vaazhthukkal.

He: Thanks mate.

Me: Ennanga tamil-la vaazhthu sonna, English-la thanks solreenga?

He: I’m from an English medium school. And I don’t speak tamil very well.

Me: Unga paere vidhyasama irukke? Kokul Krishnan- Numerology-a? Illa, straight tamil to English transliterationaa??

He: Dude, what did I tell you? I don’t speak tamil, man!

Me: Then how come you topped the state in the language, “dude”?

He: That’s the speciality in TN… Just add “Barathiyar koorugirar”, “Bharathidasan koorugirar” and puke some crap on the paper, and they’ll take it to be real serious shit. Try it if you want, man!

Me: Hey, my days of tryin are over. But I still can’t stomach that you little no-good-brat in tamil scored 198!! That’s unfair, you dimwit!!

He: Hey, pull the brakes asshole! Don’t you realize that you’re in TN? Crazy shit happens here. If Anushka the actress, who can’t speak a word in Tamil can receive a “Kalaimamani” award from the TN government, why can’t I score a 198 in tamil in the exams conducted by the same TN government?? Ha??

Me: Hey you’re crossin some fuckin lines buster! You can talk whatever the hell you want about TamilNadu or its stupid education system. But don’t you dare say a single word about Anushka, you loser!

He: You bloody #!$%#@%

Me: Adeengo !#!#@%$#%^$

[The interview was abruptly broken as the two got into a fistfight and the cameraman ran away to save his own life, and his camera. The passersby recorded the fight on their cell-phone cameras and uploaded it on YouTube, and shared it on facebook]

TN Assembly elections
I guess I don’t need to give any introduction here. In fact, I have none.

Victorious candidate: J Jayalalithaa

Me: Hello mam. First, let me congratulate you on your victory, I mean your party’s victory. It looks like the sun is shining bright on the face of AIADMK!

She: Thank you very much. But I’d like to tell you that the days of the shining sun are over. TN is gonna get a huge relief from the scorching SUN and is gonna get some cool soothing shade under the LEAVES.

Me: Wow mam… Wordplay at its best!! Can you comment on the decisive success your party has embraced in the state?

She: To be exact, it is not a victory to me or my party. It is the victory of the people of TN.

Me: Oh…

She: If I can rephrase that, I’d say this is not even a victory to tamilians, but rather, it’s a victory to democracy.

Me: Yes mam. Can you brief me on that?

She: Well, it’s been 10 years that a rule of retrogress prevailed all over the state. This is evident from the various mishaps that you might have seen in the news- acts of corruption and wrong political conduct. The people of TN have been asking for a change, and who better to give it to them than they themselves? The elections were a mere reflection of the people’s mind and they’ve totally put on vote what they require the most.

Me: So to speak, your party has swept a whopping majority in about 200 constituencies, a proportion that is an amazing value!

She: Yes. This is the state’s answer to those who take it to be a joke and play with the people. But the people of TN are not mindless asses to be meddled with, especially in issues involving manipulation of lakhs of crores of rupees.

Me: Definitely mam. The people of TN will not allow the same person to steal, for more than a while. But can I ask you if you want to change the word ass to something a little less unparliamentary?

She: Ha ha ha… I saw that coming. I meant the word ass as a replacement to ‘donkey’. Not the other thing. I’m a state-topper in 10th Matric, mind it!

Me: Oh… Excuse me. I’m a little imaginative… What’s your initial premise mam? What’s the first thing that you’re gonna work on, as soon as you take charge?

She: My first responsibility is to rebuild the state. It’s not an easy task but somebody has to do it. And that somebody has been decided by the people to be me. I’ll increase the number of air-conditioned Volvo buses in the state, build 20 more flyovers connecting the last few areas in Chennai that don’t have a flyover, and hence a land-crisis, yet. My next step will be toward improving healthcare and education. All the more, total emphasis will be on maintaining law and order.

Me: Wouldn’t it be better if you completed the 50 half-built flyovers in the city before starting the construction of new ones? And what about the other specifics mam?

She: You’ll see.

Me: What do you wanna tell the people of TN?

She: Thank you.

Me: Seeing the response to my last pair of questions, I’d like to ask, on a more personal note, about your faith in astrology. Me being the same ‘Maasi magham’ just like you are, do you think I’ll have success in my life too, just like you did now?

She: The people will answer that question too.

[She departed with that answer. But before that, she did 2 things. She showed the people of TN, the victory symbol, actually her party’s symbol- the one used to indicate 2-bathroom, and she showed her middle finger to the interviewer]

Just like they say, both the state toppers and the CM are gonna literally “serve the people”… I guess that’s it for now. Or till I get physically assaulted.

Thambi tea innum varala!! :P

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The ten commandments of hostel life

Hi guys. I’ll get right down to business. I’ve been in this “Living in the hostel business” for quite a while. So it is bestowed upon me by the holy Lord that I guide my fellow தமிழன்s in this ominous life of 4 years. I do this because my Godfather (!) Mr. Samuel L Jackson told me to.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee”
Ezekiel (25:17) [now stolen from PULP FICTION]
Well, I’ve been the weak and I've been the evil. Now I take a chance to be the righteous man. And I accomplish this by leaking out the secret which was carried on generation after generation only by an elite group of people. No no, not the Knights templar/Priory of Sion/Illuminati/Freemasons kinda guys. They all retired when Tom Hanks started acting in those shitty movies. The dudes I was referring to are the hostel wardens. The commandments were delivered by Yahweh [Founder- Anna University, Madras] and were duly noted down by Moses [First engineering graduate of TamilNadu]. But Moses wasn’t given due respect, and so he posted it on his blog. This totally pissed off Yahweh. So, he took out his pen and failed Moses in all subjects Moses wrote. Poor Moses is now a typical washout, but he shared with me his wisdom. Ok. Here goes…

The 10 commandments of hostel life

1. Thou shalt brush thy teeth everyday
    The key behind his commandment is that the hosteler, though an animal he may be, should not be verbally abused as one, and so he is expected to brush his teeth at least once a day.

2. Thou shalt take a holy bath everyday
   Also, since most hostelers don't take a bath everyday, bathrooms are obviously one of the most peaceful places one can spend his time in. And so this law.

3. Thou shalt miss breakfast everyday
   The thumb rule of hostel life is that one always wakes up at such a time in the morning, that he has time to do only one of the two things namely excrete or eat, and not both. So logically, if he follows the aforesaid two commands, he misses breakfast.

4. Thou shalt be late to class everyday
   What's the point in going early to class when all you're gonna do in the class is sleep? So, go to class just before the 1st lecture is over, or atleast before the 1st professor of the day gets mad. Anything more than that can be considered as an act of 'showing off'.

5. Thou shalt not maintain an attendance percentage more than what is necessary
    In colleges where attendance is necessary to write the semesters, stay near the prescribed cutoff. If marks are allotted for extra attendance, one should selflessly sacrifice those marks. If attendance does not carry any mark, then by rule, DO NOT GO  TO COLLEGE.

6. Thou shalt curse your professors for some reason or the other
   It's been printed on human DNA that students and teachers are deadly enemies. It is by some great force of nature that they co-exist [Like protons and electrons in an atom. They both are in the atom together. But we don't know why/how. When excited, some electrons, possibly those with the highest energy, break the energy barrier and leave the atom. Likewise, when excited, some students, possibly those with the lowest GPA, leave the classroom]. So it's only natural that the students curse professors, and vice versa.

7. Thou shalt not study until it is too late
   No engineer would have touched his textbook atmost 2 days before his exams. Some engineers even go to extremes and start studying just hours before the exams. They are called legends.

8. Thou shalt not use your roommate’s jatti
   Although the prime motto of living in hostels is caring and sharing, students should not use one another's underwear. This is not for some reasons of sanitation, but for the simple fact that no two humans can have the exact same sized jattis that perfectly fit them [because of the apparent reason that no two humans are equally 'sized'].

9. Thou shalt not watch X rated porn
   Seemingly impossible in hostel life, this can be academically termed a crime because, those who don't wanna watch porn should rightfully abstain from it. And those who do wanna watch porn must upgrade themselves to XX and XXX categories.

10. Thou shalt not succumb to turning gay
   This is easily the most difficult thing to do. But one who is capable of accomplishing it is technically a hero. This task may become even more difficult for people with sexy roommates [boys with a 6-pack ab, girls with an hourglass figure, et al]

These were the exact words that Moses told me. Some of you might already been feeling guilty that you've missed a number of rules mentioned above. And a few others might have got the idea of closing this tab [Ctrl + F4] and do something stupider than reading my blog [watching Thirumathi Selvam or the IPL match of KXIP vs DC for instance]. For the last category of people [like myself] who wonder what happened to Moses after he gave me this piece of wisdom, i humbly give you the answer. He has found solace and salvation from the perils of being an engineer. He is now placed in TCS. :)

Bye bye...

Friday, February 25, 2011

மரம் வளப்போம். அப்டியே சைடுல கொஞ்சம் தமிழையும் வளப்போம்

Hey fellas. How you doin??? Got you a new article. Well, it's actually for my college magazine for Sangamam 2011. Hope you enjoy it...

PS: Forgive me for the totally cool English sentences i wrote above. Since the article is gonna be in Tamil, i just thought it'd be ok if the intro was in English. And by the way, the "Amarareru" thing is my tamil nickname. Cool ha?? Ok.. Ok.. I can hear you sayin "Whatever..."

Here it goes...

என் இனிய தமிழ் மக்களே... சௌக்கியமா?
எவ்ளோ நேரந்தான் “தூய தமிழ்”, “செந்தமிழ்”, “பைந்தமிழ்” எல்லாம் படிக்கறது? கொஞ்சம் scene போடாத, normal-ஆ இருக்குற, சாதா தமிழ பாப்போம். கவி பாடும் தமிழனுக்கு ஒரு பக்கம்னா, 'கசுமால' தமிழனுக்கு ஒரு பக்கம் வேணாமா? என்னடா “சுழியம்”னு தீந்தமிழ்ல title போட்டுட்டு, கலீஜா ஒரு கட்டுரையான்னு கேப்பாங்க. கேக்குறவங்க தொல்காப்பியனுக்குக் கொள்ளுப்பேரனுங்களா?? இல்லையே? அவங்களும் class-க்கு late-ஆ வந்தா, “May i come in, sir?”னு தானே கேக்குறாங்க... “உள்ளே வரலாமா ஐயா?”னு கேக்குறதில்லையே??

அப்புறம் என்ன தைரியத்துல நாம தமிழர்னு மார் தட்டுறோம்?

தமிழ்ல எத்தன எழுத்து இருக்குன்னு உங்களுக்கு ஞாபகம் இருக்கா?? “Tamil has 26 alphabets + Google's transliteration tool”னு சொல்லுது English, French, German எல்லாம் படிச்ச 6 வயசுப் பொண்ணு. சினிமா படத்துக்கெல்லாம் தமிழ்ல பேர் வெச்சா தமிழ் வளரும்னு தப்புக்கணக்கு போட்டவங்களுக்கு மிஞ்சினது என்னவோ “வ- Quarter Cutting”, “க”, “தா”, “ஈ” மாதிரி LKG “அ... ஆ... இ... ஈ...” notebook-ல இருக்குற ஒத்த எழுத்துங்க தான். அது சரி... இதெல்லாம் தமிழ் தான், 'சிவாஜி' எப்டிப்பா தமிழ்ப்பெயர் ஆச்சு?? "திரைப்படங்களுக்குத் தமிழ்ப்பெயர் வெச்சா வரிவிலக்கு"ங்குற சட்டத்தையே சரியா புரிஞ்சுக்கலியே நீங்க??

தமிழர் நெறைய பேருக்கு நம்ம 'ராஷ்ட்ர பாஷை'யான ஹிந்தி தெரியறதில்லை... என்ன? 'ராஷ்ட்ர பாஷை' இல்ல, 'தேசிய மொழி'ங்குறீங்களா? நான் சொல்லல? நம்மளுக்கெல்லாம் ஹிந்தி தெரியறதில்லைன்னு? உலகத்துலயே தன் தேசிய மொழி தெரியாத ஒரு கூட்டம்னா அது நம்ம ஆளுங்களாதான் இருக்கும். அம்பது வருஷத்துக்கு முன்னாடி இதே மாதிரி இருந்த தெலுங்கர்கள், கன்னடர்கள் எல்லாரும் இன்னிக்கு ஹிந்தி பிச்சு ஒதர்றாங்க. ஏன், ஹிந்தி படிச்சா தமிழுக்கு பாதகம் வந்துடுமா? இங்கிலீஷ் குடுக்காத காயத்தையா ஹிந்தி குடுக்கப்போவுது தமிழுக்கு? "யாமறிந்த மொழிகளிலே தமிழ்மொழி போல் இனிதாவது எங்கும் காணோம்"னு சொன்ன பாரதி கூட 6  மொழிகள கரைச்சு குடிச்சுட்டு தான் இப்டி சொல்லிருக்கார். மத்த மொழியெல்லாம் படிச்சாதானே தமிழோட அருமை தெரியும்??

அப்புறம் IT  கம்பெனிகள் வந்ததால தமிழ்க்கலாச்சாரம் கெட்டுப்போச்சுன்னு சொல்றாங்க. ஆனா அவங்க கூட “என் பையன் TCS-ல மாசம் 50,000 ரூபா சம்பாதிக்கறான், என் பொண்ணு Infosys-ல மாசம் 60,000 ரூபா சம்பாதிக்கறா”னு சொல்றாங்களே தவிர,“என் பையன் சனிக்கிழமை ஆனா ECR-ல குடிச்சுட்டு வண்டி ஓட்டி accident  பண்ணிடுவான்; என் பொண்ணு ஒவ்வொரு வெள்ளிக்கிழமையும் discotheque போவா”னு சொல்றதில்லியே... உண்மை கசக்கதானே செய்யுது??

College-க்கோ, Office-க்கோ என்னிக்காச்சும் ஒரு பொண்ணு புடவை கட்டிட்டு வந்தா “Hey, this saree suits you wonderfully, yaar”, “You look gorgeous in this saree, yaar”, “Yaar... Yaar... Yaar...”னு கூட இருக்குற எல்லாரும் சொல்றாங்க. அடப்பாவிகளா!! 'சேலை கட்டினா எந்த பொன்னும் அழகாதான் இருப்பா'ங்குற அடிப்படை தத்துவம் தெரியாதா? இத கண்டுபிடிச்ச தமிழன் செத்துட்டான். அவன் வழி வந்த நம்ம அம்மாக்கள், பாட்டிகள், பூட்டிகள், முப்பாட்டிகள் பேச்சையெல்லாம் கேக்காம இருக்கு அந்த பொண்ணு. பேரு தமிழ்ச்செல்வி, ஆனா Italian designer sarees மட்டும் தான் உடுத்திப்பாங்களாம், காஞ்சீபுரத்து பட்டு பாக்க locala தெரியுதாம்...

அட இது கூட பரவாயில்ல. பசங்களுக்கு வேட்டி கட்ட தெரியல; வேட்டி கட்டினா நடக்க தெரியல; நடந்தா ஒழுங்கா உக்கார தெரியல, உக்காந்தா 'டர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்ர்'னு கிழிக்க கூடாத எடத்த கிழிச்சுடறான்.

“வணக்கம்”ங்கற வார்த்தை TV news-ல மட்டும் முதலும் கடைசியுமா சொல்ற வார்த்தை ஆயிடுச்சு. தோஸ்துகளையோ, சொந்தக்காரங்களையோ பாத்தா “Hi... Hello... How are you?”னு கேக்குறோம்... என்னமோ London Buckingham palace-லியே பொறந்து New York Times Square-லியே வளந்த மாதிரி...

Pizza, Burger, Sprite-ஐயெல்லாம் வெட்டு வெட்டுன்னு வெட்டுற தமிழன் கருப்பட்டி பணியாரத்தையும், குழியாப்பத்தையும், பானகத்தையும் என்னவோ வேற கிரகத்து பொருள் மாதிரி கேவலமாப் பாக்குறான்.  Alabama எங்க இருக்குன்னு தெரியுது; Sathyabama யாருன்னு தெரியல. 'Green Lantern' படத்தோட hero யாருன்னு தெரியுது; 'பச்சை விளக்கு' படத்தோட hero யாருன்னு தெரியல. “Our father, who art in heaven”ங்கற prayer song தெரியுது; “பாலும் தெளி தேனும்”ங்கற வாழ்த்துப்பா தெரியல.

தமிழ வளக்க சங்கங்களும் மன்றங்களும் மாநாடுகளும் அமைச்சு நெறைய பேர்  'வளத்துட்டு' தான் இருக்காங்க. நாம தமிழ வளக்குறோமோ இல்லியோ; வளக்க முடியுமோ இல்லியோ; இருக்குற தமிழ சாகாம பாத்துக்கலாம் இல்லியா??


Saturday, February 12, 2011

The தாடி கலாச்சாரம்

Hi fellas. Sowkkyama??

Thank you for your love and patronage, for the last post i made on Vasan Eye Care was the most commented one so far. It means only one thing- நான் கண் தெரியாம கஷ்டப்பட்டா அத பாத்து சிரிக்க நெறைய பேர் இருக்கீங்க... Good.<:|

If you haven't noticed, i changed my hair-do and ripped off my moustache this year [fiscal]. This has raised a lot of questions among my dear menfolk. So, i asked myself a couple of questions- why did i do it, why didn't i do it before... Just as i attempted to answer them, i went deep to do a preliminary research on facial hair and its various implications and manifestations the world over, and the result? This post. Before getting on to that, let me tell you, THIS POST IS NOT INTENDED TO BE HUMOUROUS. So if you wanna laugh, read your Ethics book written by Mike Martin. Oh, sorry. That book gives you nausea, not laughter...

Basically, I'm a man who loves nature, and go with nature on most things. So, i used to have a haircut and a shave only once a season. So, roughly i'd shave about 4 times a year. I'd look perfectly neat on January 1st and like an uncivilised barbarian on March 31st. Then neat again, and a couple of months later- barbaric. It's a natural cycle. And like nature's cycle which has changed due to global warming and all, i have changed my style too. Now i shave on random days no matter when i shaved last. Doing so, i was able to pluck some hair and some truth from the deep follicles of the male face. These, my dear friends, are what i feel the stages of the beard.

10-point some dudes

The clean face: It's the kind of face that you have on the day you shaved. The skin is smooth and this day is the best to get kissed by someone [preferably a girl].

Sand-paper தாடி: This is possibly the day next to the one you shaved, or the next. This day is when all your hair studs start showing up and your skin is displaced by 2 shades on the FAIR & LOVELY's FAIRNESS METER. Today is definitely NOT the day to get kissed by a woman. She could bruise her lips or worse, tear them. So, abstain from kisses, coz today is aptly called Sand-paper beard day.

Itchy தாடி: I don't think you need any further explanation here. This beard doesn't have any special demarcation, as it can start from the day you shave or on sand-paper beard day, and can last till the end of the next stage.

Velcro தாடி: This is the day when your hair studs boldly rise and show their faces. This can be from the second to the fourth day from your shave. Your skin is displaced by 4 shades in the FAIRNESS METER. Even today is not a good one to get kisses, as it may lead to minor scratches and reddening of the skin. You'd probably have seen some pictures of women with pink cheeks indicating that the girl is blushing. The real thing is, she has rubbed her cheeks a couple of times against the velcro beard. Woollens and other soft materials tend to stick to your face today, and hence the name velcro beard day.

Junior தாடி: Today is the day you can proudly tell everyone that you really have a beard. If you've been following the process for years, your face will still be pretty neat. Otherwise, you'll be looked upon by everyone as a guy right out of a hangover from last night.

Senior தாடி: This is a little more mature version of the previous stage. Even this is pretty decent if maintained properly. Most people just stop with this stage, thinking that being senior is all of it. So, they either trim their beard to this very level or shave it [which takes us back to type 1].

Toilet-brush தாடி: People who reach this stage are often mistaken for bears and are often left out. Those who are styled this way permanently are possibly those depressed guys who lost all hope in life and surrendered themselves to beer. If you don't know it already, drinking Horlicks may not make you grow taller, stronger and sharper, but drinking beer makes your beard grow denser, stronger and faster. From this stage onwards, you should understand that no woman with the smallest proportion of common sense left will look at you.

நான் கடவுள் தாடி: When all other stages are clearly depicted in English, why is this unnecessary inclusion in Tamil, you ask... The thing is, this style of beard is so famous and so common that it demands a special place here. If you belong to this category, you need to pay special attention to your beard unless you're an Aghori, of course.

Santa Claus தாடி: Ho Ho Ho!! Merry Christmas!!! Kids will now come running towards you in malls and supermarkets, and give you their wish-list for X-mas this year. You can use that paper as toilet paper. After 2001, this class of beard is referred to by the British as Dumbledore beard [for obvious reasons].

Father Time தாடி: This is possibly the last identifiable stage of growth of the beard. In simple terms, you have this type of beard when the length of atleast one of the hair strands of your beard exceeds your own height.

The social castaways

 Just like all groups, societies and communities of people have some exceptions and outcasts, even this CULT OF THE BEARD has some exceptions. Below are some i could find- Wolverine, Tony Stark, Jack Sparrow and Fernando Sucre. From our own land come Asal அஜித், Pokkiri விஜய், Singam சூர்யா and the best of all- Thillu Mullu ரஜினி.

Unlikes attract?

Also, from my research, i was able to find out that most men prefer to hang out with men who have a different style of beard. A few famous couples include- Jules & Vincent [Pulp Fiction], Jackie Chan &amp Chris Tucker; [Rush Hour], Kamal & Arjun [குருதி புனல்], Kamal & Prabhudeva [காதலா காதலா] and so on...

Some people do not have a proper beard and get an excuse with a small goatee. Don't worry guys. You'll definitely grow one. I mean, this is not like getting a six-pack ab, you don't have to work hard for this... And I must not forget to tell you about the rate of growth of the beard. Some people [including myself] have their facial hair grown so fast that it's visible to the naked eye. One gives the right cheek a neat sweep with his Gillete Mach-3, and even before he finishes with his left cheek, hair starts growing again on the right. This leads to an infinite process, analogous to an improperly terminated for loop.

I dedicate this post to my class கைதி [Thirunavukkarasu], who asked me very nicely. Ciao ciao all!!!