Sunday, November 21, 2010

Brahmin girls and Bengali sweets- Marriages are made in heaven [Part 2]

It's a long time since we had a get-together… Although not everyone was present, I could see a number of known faces. My classmates, my buddies of the most precious 4 years of my life, the ones who slapped me hard out of my dumb perception of life- they're here. And the next 24 hours is gonna be full of joy and laughter and it's gonna go fast. The only one who will end up unhappy is the புது மாப்பிள்ளை…

I bet this is how people will start feeling after meeting their college-buddies after a couple of years of college, scattered around in many places and getting back together for the most anticipated wedding celebration of the unluckiest candidate. The things that caused me to write this post are, however, many.
  1. Venkatraman of my class whose ambition in life is to get married[?!] ASAFP.
  2. Venkatraman of my class [yeah, the same guy] who wants to marry an Iyengar girl [எவ்ளவோ சொல்லி பாத்துட்டேன்… கேக்க மாட்டேன்றான்].
  3. Iyengar girls who, most of the time, piss him [and me] off!
  4. Kailash Mahadevan, who permitted me to use his name here.
It's an imaginary story of a marriage, and the proceedings of the marriage in my style. So,
    If you can't read tamil, please get help from someone.
    If you're not a Brahmin, please get help from someone [Not to convert you, but to translate].

கல்யாணத்துக்கு முந்தின நாள்- 4 pm

I went to the Kalyana mandapam- it was huge and well decorated with serial lights. I didn't want to look like a fool inside, alone. So, I waited for someone to give me company. And there he was, Kailash, with a box- neat and gift-wrapped. Venkat's mother welcomed us and we went in [வேறெதுக்கு? Tiffin-க்கு தான்]… Peculiar! Those who served, had a red stripe on their foreheads, just like I did. I asked Kailash of the matter.

Kailash: விஷயம் தெரியாதா? பொண்ணு உங்க ஆளு டா- Iyengar …
Me: என்னது!!!!
Kailash: ஏன் அனாவசியமா jerk உடற? பத்திரிகைய பாக்கலியா??
Me: பத்திரிகையா?

I took out the pathrika from my bag. And lo! I hadn't noticed it. Just like missing out a "MERE ATTEMPT" question in my 10th public exam, I missed this out as well. சொன்ன மாதிரியே iyengar பொண்ண மடக்கிட்டான் Venkat…
    
The pathrikas of Brahmins scare the shit out of me. If Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were to get married [In Brad Pitt Style: That's one big "IF"], the invitation would be something like

Angelina Jolie
And
Brad Pitt
Cordially invite you to their wedding at
St. Louis Church, Chicago, Illinois


But a Brahmin pathrika would have some things like these
  • Half the pathrika is filled with images of Gods and statements like
    ஸ்ரீ பூமிநீளா சமேத ஸ்ரீ லக்ஷ்மீ ந்ருசிம்ஹ பரப்ரம்ஹணே நம:
  • Then comes a statement which is roughly translated into English as "சௌக்கியமா?", but it's unnecessarily sanskritised and reads
    அடியேன்…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..உபயகுசலோபரி.
  • The time of the event is referenced to the Greenwich meridian time. So it goes like
    விரோதி வருடம் ஆவணி மாதம் மூல நக்ஷத்ரம் கூடிய சுபயோக சுபதினத்தில் நாழிகை 3.14159265-க்கு மேல் 8.00031256-க்குள்....................
    If you haven't noticed, the first number is the numeric constant 'pi'… Brahmins just tend to be extremely accurate on details [an 8-digit precision is observed].
  • The names of the bride and groom are prefixed with the most confusing details

அடியேன் தமையனார் வேலாமூர் தண்டந்தோட்டம்
ராமகிருஷ்ணனின் பௌத்ரியும்
என்னிடம் 200 ருபாய் கடன் வாங்கிய கேசவ Iyengar-இன் தௌஹித்ரியும்
ஸ்ரீ சௌந்தரின் புத்ரியுமான

அஞ்சலி [எ] Angelinavai
மடிப்பாக்கம் வெங்கடேச Iyengar-இன் பௌத்ரனும்
K.K.P.N.X.Y.Z. புரம் ஸ்ரீனிவாச Iyengar-இன் தௌஹித்ரனும்
கொஞ்சம் பயந்த சுபாவமுள்ள ஸ்ரீ ரெங்கநாதனின் புத்ரனுமான


வரதராஜன் [எ] Brad-kku


கன்னிகாதானம் செய்துகொடுப்பதாய் ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. பிரார்த்திக்கிறேன்.
  • After all these perpetual, mooted criminal statements, comes the tag
    வாசக தோஷ க்ஷமதவ்ய: [which means "Please forgive us for any errors"]
    If God was really impartial and just, he'd not forgive the person who wrote all these [Not me]…


Finished the idlies, upma and kesari… Washed my hands and went to see the victim- Venkat boy.
He, on the contrary was totally happy and cool. Even a person with previous experience would have been a little more anxious. But not Venkat…

Me: மாமா!!!!!!!!! டேய் இப்போ தான்டா கவனிச்சேன். பொண்ணு iyengarame? சொல்லவே இல்ல?
Venkat: மாமா இல்லடா... இன்னிக்கு நான் மாப்ள. நாங்கல்லாம் சொன்ன சொல் தவறாதவங்க…
Me: Anyhow, நல்லா இருந்தா சரி…
Venkat: என்னது??!!
Me: நீங்க ரெண்டு பேரும் வாழ்க்கைல நல்லா இருந்தா சரின்னு சொன்னேன்…
Venkat: நல்ல வேள…

There was this list of events à Jaanavaasam, Nishchayathaarttham, Kanganam…

Time: 7 pm
Then, Western style reception. Met some of my classmates and had quite a time with them. Balaji came to the premises and we all stood in line and gave our friend, the gifts we had brought. Bajji advocated that he wanted to give Venki something useful. So, he gave him a digital photo frame. I brought a gift cheque for Rs.2000. And I still believe that money is the most useful gift to give anyone. This way, they can really USE the gift [For the record, every couple receive as gift, at least 500000 clocks on their wedding day. And then they spend the rest of their life giving them away].

Went downstairs for dinner. Waited for about half-an-hour before the பந்தி cleared. Sat down and watched, as men were actively placing items on my plantain leaf. At one point, a small oval sweet was placed on my leaf and it was the last piece on the server's plate.

Me: என்னது டா இது?
Kailash: Rasamalai, I think…
Me: Ooooh [Ate it hastily]
Bajji: ஏன்டா இவ்ளோ அவசரம்??
Me: Bengali sweet அண்ணா… உடனே சாப்டுடணும்! தெரியாதா?
Bajji: அது 1 நாள் வரைக்கும் தாங்கும் டா…
Me: I AM SORRY…


When the server got back with his plate full, I got my next rasamalai… [SWEET MANIACS BEWARE!]

Time: 8. 30 pm
After all the hullabaloo was over, the 3 of us had a conversation on the rooftop. There, it started.

Bajji: இந்த காலத்து Brahmin பொண்ணுங்க கல்யாணத்துக்கு போடுற conditions இருக்கே… யப்பப்பா! சொல்லி மாளாது.

Me: ஆமாம் அண்ணா… மஹா கொடுமை… இதுல என்ன விஷயம்னா, அவங்க கேக்கற condition-க்கு எல்லாம் ஒத்துப்போற மாதிரி இந்த உலகத்துல ஏதோ ஒரு மூலைல எவனோ ஒரு பையன் இருக்கான். அவன் வந்து அவங்களையெல்லாம் காப்பாத்திடறான்…

Kailash: என்னடா சொல்றே?

Me: Recent-ஆ ஒரு பொண்ண போய் பாக்க… Sorry sorry… பொண்ணாத்துக்காராளோட பையனாத்துக்காராள் [pointing to myself] casuala chat பண்ண போயிருந்தோம். அந்த பொண்ணு ஓரளவு silenta தான் இருந்தா. பெரியவா எல்லாத்தையும் பேசட்டும்னு கேட்ட கேள்விக்கு மட்டும் பதில் சொல்லிண்டிருந்தேன்.

Bajji: அப்புறம்??

Me: பொண்ணு கடைசியா என்கிட்டே கேட்டா பாரு…
Enna padicchirukkeenga? B.E.
B.E enga? GCT, கோவை
MS padicchirukkalame? ஓ படிச்சிருக்கலாமே…
Foreign poi work pannirukkeengala? இல்ல. இங்கியே Ashok Leyland-ல decentana சம்பளம்  வாங்கிண்டிருக்கேன்…
Foreign-la settle aara madhiri idea irukka? இல்ல. அப்டி எந்த ஐடியாவும்  இல்ல. I'm satisfied here.
Sorry enakku MS padicchu US-la veedu vecchirukkara maappilla dhan venum.

Kailash: அடேங்கப்பா!!

Me: அதுக்கு நான் என்ன சொன்னேன்னு கேளு...
    "MS படிச்சுட்டு US-ல வீடு வெச்சுண்டிருந்தா நான் ஏண்டி உன்ன கல்யாணம் பண்ணிக்கறேன்??"னு சொல்லிட்டு குடிச்ச coffee-க்கு 100 ரூபாய கீழ வெச்சுட்டு திரும்பி பாக்காம வந்துட்டேன்…

Bajji: மானஸ்தன்டா நீ!

Me: மானஸ்தன எந்த பொண்ணு அண்ணா கல்யாணம் பண்ணிக்கறா?

Kailash: Bajji na, உங்களுக்கோ கல்யாணம் ஆயிடுத்து… இனிமே இதெல்லாம் பத்தி உங்களுக்கென்ன கவலை?? நீ மேல சொல்லு மச்சான்...

Me: அந்த பொண்ணு வருந்தணும்னோ, மன்னிப்பு கேக்கனும்னோ நான் அத பண்ணல. ஆனா அவ சொன்னது என்னன்னு அவளுக்கே புரியறதுக்கு முன்னாடி வந்துட்டான் ஒரு பையன் – South Carolina University-ல MS படிச்சவனாம். Buffalo, New York-ல வீடு.

Bajji: Buffalo??

Kailash: உன்ன compare பண்ணா 'Buffalo'வே மேல்னு சொல்லாம சொல்லிட்டா… Ha ha ha!

Me: இதுக்கு மேல என்ன பண்ண சொல்றே??

Kailash: நம்ம அப்பா அம்மாவ தான் டா சொல்லணும். பொண்ணுக்கு 20 வயசான உடனே alliance பாக்க ஆரமிக்கறாங்கல்ல? அதே மாதிரி பையனுக்கும் பாத்தா என்ன கேடு?

This is when I started to explain to him, the laws of Brahmin parenthood.

When a baby is born to a Brahmin couple, most people think it's a physical change for the mother. True. But few think about the fathers. When the sex of the child is determined [by God or by genes], the brain of the father undergoes dramatic change.

Brain of a person who has a daughter
Brain of a person who has a son

That's because male children start thinking for themselves, while girl-children don't.

Example:


Dad: Hey kutti, let's go to the market…
Girl [age:5]: Yay! You should buy me ice-cream then!
Dad: Chellam, daddy's suddenly got a back pain now. We'll go some other time…
Girl: Boohoo [starts crying]

Dad: Hey kutti, let's go to the market…
Boy [age:5]: ஏன், தனியா போக பயமா இருக்கா?
Dad: I'll buy you ice-cream. Will you come then?
Boy: Done!

So, when the girl grows up, her parents are always in track of her growth- like measuring her height everyday with an inch-tape. But couples usually forget the complete existence of the child if it's a boy. So, it's only after some relative of theirs ask them "உங்க பையனுக்கு எப்போ கல்யாணம்?" that they look at each other and say, "அச்சச்சோ! மறந்தே போயிடுத்தே!!". On coming back, they would notice that their son has grown much and only if he starts showing signs of aging [like white hair], they'd start looking for a bride. Otherwise they'll forget the boy again. [And ladies, that's precisely why we start growing white hair. For the record, Venkat started it when he was 15 years old, Kailash 19 years, and me?? At 11].

We slept there in a room, specially allotted for friends. Woke up early in the morning and got dressed up. While Kailash and I bared the elements to bath in cold water, Bajji somehow got hot water.

கல்யாணத்து அன்னிக்கு- 7 am

Then the wedding procedures went on…

Venkat got an extra set of Poonals, then garland-exchange, Kasi-yatra, panigrahanam, mangalya dharanam, oonjal, sapdhapadhi, then ammiya midhi… We, as usual, threw the அக்ஷதை on Venki's head and hurried down for breakfast. பந்திக்கு முந்து!!! We were having a splendid breakfast and just when I was thinking how hard it is for an iyer boy and an iyengar girl to get along, there came a person with a large bucket in his hand.

Server: அண்ணா, சாற்றமுது?
Bajji: என்னது?!
Me: ரசம் அண்ணா…
Bajji: ஓஹோ ரசமா?? Hmm, கொஞ்சமா…


Next server: திருக்கண்ணமுது??
Kailash: அப்டீன்னா??
Bajji: Let me guess. பாயசம்?
Me: Bingo!

Venkat's gonna have some rough time ahead!

We went back to the marriage hall and were about to take leave, when Venkat compelled us to stay. Bajji went on with some work of his and so, Kailash and I decided to fall back.

There were many old ladies, weeping, sobbing. The only happy face there was that of the father of the bride.

Me: டேய், இதென்ன கல்யாண வீடா, இல்ல எழவு வீடா? அநியாயத்துக்கு அழறா?
Kailash: ஆனந்தக்கண்ணீராம்!!!
Me: மண்ணாங்கட்டி! தனக்கு வெச்சு குடுத்த புடவை colour புடிக்கலேன்னு அழறா. அங்க பாத்தியா? பொண்ணோட அப்பா மட்டும் தான் சிரிச்சுண்டிருக்கார்.
Kailash: இருக்காதா பின்ன? இனிமே அவருக்கு பதிலா Venkat அழப்போறான்!!

In the evening, there was the நலங்கு part of the function. They newly-wed were rolling a coconut to and fro… And an old lady was singing the verses of வாரணம் ஆயிரம் [The original one; not the Gautam Menon movie crap]. Then the bride and the groom sang a song each. Even Venki got a "பேஷ் பேஷ்!!" from one of the பெருசுs sitting there. After that, Kailash went to help a small kid lift a heavy plastic bag. After he was done, the kid said "Thank you மாமா". Laughing at that, I wanted to try my own hand. A cute young girl was trying to open a suitcase whose keys she might have lost [Theorem: In every wedding, someone loses the keys to his suitcase]. I tried several keys of my own, and at last the case opened. The girl said, "Thank you uncle" and went off with the suitcase. Uncle!! Uncle?? Do I look like an uncle? She was hardly 3-5 years younger than me and she called me Uncle! I turned back only to find Kailash enjoying it…

இனி என்ன? கெளம்ப வேண்டியதுதானே?? Went to Venkatraman to sign off. But now, he got scared- REALLY scared! இருக்காதா பின்ன? Like Leonidas in 300, i said to him,"Tonight's the night you become a man da!". "மச்சான், tension-ஆ இருக்குடா!", he said. Laughing at that, Kailash and I came out of the mandapam, after informing Venkat's parents. "வந்து நடத்தி குடுத்ததுக்கு ரொம்ப thanks பா", his dad said. "நாங்க ஒண்ணுமே பண்ணல uncle. And சொல்ல மறந்துட்டோம். சாப்பாடு பிரமாதம்!", I added.

Then, went to the railway station to catch a train to my place. Kailash accompanied me. Bought a bottle of drinking water and sat on a corner seat of the empty unreserved coach. "டேய், தேவையில்லாம இன்னிக்கு அங்க தங்கிட்டோம்டா. காலைலயே கிளம்பியிருக்கலாம்… கட்டுசாதம் கட்டி குடுத்து அடிச்சு வெரட்டுறதுக்கு முன்னாடி கெளம்பிட்டோம், நல்ல வேள…"

I took out my mobile and touched the facebook app on the screen. The page opened and I had 18 notifications. On top was Venkat's… இந்நேரத்துல facebook-ல என்ன பண்றான்?? There it was-

Venkatraman Renganathan: Thank you all for making my wedding so memorable… But only now I feel tensed and nervous- just like my first semester [If you know what I mean]… ;)
Like . 6 persons . View all 44 comments

I showed it to Kailash. "வெவஸ்த கெட்டவன்டா அவன்…", he said. "ஒரு மணி நேரத்துக்கு ஒரு தடவ update போடாம இருந்தா சரி!", said I…

The train blared and Kailash waved me off… I could think of only two things- Brahmin girls and that Bengali sweet. And even more intriguing was the question-"Do I really look like an uncle??"

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Strike the Iron Man while he's hot!!!

When it comes to superheroes, all they show you on screen is how they fly, swing, jump off from building to building, dodge a bullet or move faster than one... Isn't it fishy that they never show superheroes doing ordinary things, like brushing their teeth, taking a dump or something? And the worst part is- they're all in New York!


I don't have the slightest clue as to why all known Superheroes live in New York. To my knowledge, the city has more superheroes living in it, than ordinary men... Even the beggars and crooks of New York have superpowers. Don't believe me?

Spider-Man              : Queens, New York.
The Fantastic Four : Baxter Building, New York.
The Daredevil          : Devil's kitchen, New York.
Hellboy                     : Newark, New Jersey, New York.
Tony Stark               : Born in Long Island, New York.

Batman : Gotham City
Superman : Metropolis

Though the last two are fictional cities, both of them take huge references- skyscrapers, buildings, parks and skyline from New York. In fact Gotham city is a common nickname for New York. It's said that Gotham is New York at night, and Metropolis, New York at daytime.





So, why does every crime-fighter have to live in New York? Aren't there any instances of crime in other cities in the U.S? We have Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, Detroit, Seattle, Las Vegas... The list goes on... But why do comic books place Superheroes in New York? Mostly because

1. New York City has one of the greatest populations in the world [among other cities, that is]... So, if the number of ordinary people is high, then so is the number of rich fools, who believe in all that Superhero shit.

2. New York is a confluance of cultures- the Americans [black, white, red, blue and yellow included], the Chinese, Indians and Europeans. So, any sort of Superhero [even the one who just eats hamburgers all day and farts at villains] is welcome.

3. The ambience. New York has one of the most astounding skylines in the world. No one wants to see a superhero fly over a cornfield! They want him swing past skyscrapers [and thereby prove to the common public that he is not afraid of heights, and consequently, not afraid of villains also].

4. The creators of the characters- from the artist to the publisher, live or have lived in New York.





Anyway, there are lots of things about Superhero-New Yorkers, which thus leave behind, non-New York superheroes. Among them are Iron-man and Wolverine. Wolverine is from a totally different country- Canada. So, let's keep him aside for a while [also, Wolverine is my pen-name. I don't wanna mock at that]...

When all the other superheroes take off to Manhattan and Brooklyn to show off, Tony Stark rules Malibu, California. He's one of my favourite characters because

  • He is definitely not a New Yorker
  • He does not make non-sense out of superpowers [I mean, he doesn't have any superpowers. He just manages the task with his brain and technology. You can argue that Batman does the exact same thing, but Ironman is different as explained below]
    • He does not have a droopy old man Alfred as a butler. Instead, he has a cute lady, Ms. Potts as his assistant
    • While Iron-man fits perfectly into the definition of a Superhero, Batman sometimes appears as an anti-hero
    • Bruce Wayne is a teetotaller, while Tony Stark is the guy who knows how to party with drinks
    • While Batman's heart was philosophically broken by the death of his parents, Ironman's heart is literally broken by a piece of broken explosive- a shrapnel
    • Batman fights crime, maintains justice, blah blah blah... Ironman kicks ass only when he is meddled with
    • Bruce is a scientist and a businessman. Tony is an engineer and an industrialist
    • Batman is from DC, while Ironman is from Marvel [Duh?]
  • In the movie of course, he disclosed his true identity. Now that's something not every superhero does [Again, you know that The fantastic Four did it. So i'd have to change the sentence to Now that's something not every superhero without superpowers does]
  • Most importantly, he's an ELECTRICAL ENGINEER like me!!
  • His causes are contemporary- Vietnam war, Gulf War and Afghanistan War
  • What he does makes sense- He's an industrialist and so he hates communism
  • He's natural. He doesn't hide his motives [like Batman] or his feelings [like Superman]
  • He ogles pretty women and mostly gets laid
  • He's not that ideal character whom you wanna have as a role model. He does what he feels like and mostly has a lot of bad-mood displays
  • He does not only enjoy his life, he is an inventor
  • He does not only fight villains, he also fights alcoholism
  • Looks + Personality + Brains + Money + Attitude + Fun = Ironman
  • Lastly, he's being portrayed by one of the greatest, most versatile actors of the day- Robert Downey Jr




When Iron Man 1 was released in 2008, it received a warm welcome and positive reviews from all sorts of critics. Indeed, half the perfection should go to the character [and the actor who blended with it] and the rest to the director. Owing to the positive reaction from the masses, Downey appeared in a cameo role in Hulk-II as well, portraying himself. Very soon, in 2010, Iron Man 2 was released and even before its launch, it created a lot of hype due to

  • Replacement of Howard Terence with Don Cheadle as Rhodey...
  • Inclusion of Scarlett Johansson
  • Soundtracks from AC/DC
  • Absence of unnecessary action sequences
  • the lip-lock between Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow [which, we expected in Ironman 1 itself]

I believe that Ironman is the first of its kind when it comes to launching the sequels so closely spaced in time. And what do you know?? The positioning wasn't wrong either. In fact, there might have been a loss of enthusiasm if the release was delayed. Ironman, thus becoming a popular in the list of "Cut-the-bullshit" Superheroes is expected to come back in 2012 in Avengers [possibly a merger of superheroes of the Marvel Universe] and in 2013 in Ironman 3. Marvel has taken a bold step in being the first to bring forth the collective of its superheroes to the silverscreen. DC has been doing it with its JUSTICE LEAGUE franchise on cartoons long enough... And believe me, it's a hell lot easier to bring disciplined DC heroes [like Superman, Batman, Wonderwoman, Flash, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl and the Martian Manhunter] closer, than to do the same with self-oriented Marvel heroes. Imagine what it'd look like when Spider-man, Hulk, Wolverine, Ironman, Fantastic Four and others work together...


Anyway, if it's timing that movies need to bring success, then you can bet your ass that Ironman won't disappoint you... This reminds me of the proverb "Strike the iron while it's hot". And surely Ironman will strike when he's hot- red hot baby!!!

    Thursday, November 4, 2010

    Be a man... in front of a woman!!

    Semester is the time when one is supposed to study a subject, if he wishes not to study it the next sem... Having understood that today's Digital Signal processing question paper was framed by a person who could not spell the word “Digital”, I hereby start doing what i do second best- Blogging [The best thing is sleeping, of course]. I wanted to start writing about how to, and how not to take on an interview. But since i'm quite sure that you can do it better without my advice, i take liberty in presenting you what men and women do in an interview...

    I must warn you that you may or may not do exactly as mentioned in this post. But this post clearly demarcates the difference between the two sexes. So, if you want to clarify your sex, do one of the following.
    1.    Ask your mom [This is the most confirmatory test. If this doesn't help you, nothing else can].
    2.    Ask your dad [There's nothing your dad doesn't know. But take his word and your sex is just the opposite of that].
    3.    Since you're too busy reading this post, you may not be able to perform the above 2 actions. So continue reading it and I'm sure you'll find your sex at the end.

    Ok! Let's get started.

    The Source of Power:
    What it is with men is that they're basically ADRENALINE FACTORIES. They pump out enough adrenaline to fill up the Mettur dam just at the sound of the word 'interview'. And don't get it the wrong way folks- They don't confront interviews with force, rather they do it with fear. Women, on the other hand, don't know what adrenaline is. And so, they happily face the interview, and hopefully, get placed too...

    Looks before personality:
    When it comes to interview attire, women don't have much to worry about. Their clumsiest chudidhars work out perfectly well- in fact, better than their most decent ones [I hope you get my drift!]. And for men, it's totally different. They need to wear formals- a full-sleeve shirt, a full-length trouser, and a fully disfunctional necktie. Neckties are the most enigmatic inventions of the Brits [after their language and their Aston-Martins]... They are much like cravats- worn around so close to the neck, making you feel like you have hyperthyroidism. The present day small tie, however, is very much aimed at hiding your top-shirt button [which, in your case, is absent]. Yet, in Indian context, neckties serve a lot of purposes-

    It can be used as a napkin when you're having breakfast.
    A hankey when you want to dry your fingers after a wash.
    As a source of suicide threat to your parents, when you want to get things done your way.
    And most importantly, a life-saver when you want to blow your nose.

    Confidence:
    “Confidence is that feeling which makes you feel that you can do it...”
    “Do what??”
    So, the definition of confidence itself adds confusion to your life, making you still less confident.

    If confidence can be measured, women would always have a zero score; and men, negative...
    A girl will break no sweat in walking straight up to the HR, and sit in front of him with one leg over the other and ask him,“Hey dawg! Are you ready with the questions or should i have to wait for you??” Men on the other hand wait for the sentence “Take your seat” from the HR and are hence ready to even take up the whole interview standing...

    The DNA factor:
    One must not blame men for their submissive behaviour, because it's basically not their fault. It's printed on their DNA, and is aggravated by their dads' submissive attitude towards their moms, who, in turn, owe this to their dads, who owe it to theirs. The process goes on until you reach Adam.

    “God created man in his image”, says the Bible. Ok. Let's assume that before man was created, God had a picture of himself in the drawing room of his house and he used it as a template to create Adam. Doesn't that obviously pop out the question “What image did God use to create woman??” [Ok God, you're in deep trouble now!].

    Coming back to the DNA thing. DNA is defined as that part of your body where vital information about you [including your facebook password] is stored. So, if you can, safeguard your DNA. Also DNA is where it's written

    Women always have a way of getting along with other women.
    Also, women have a way of getting along with men, only better.

    Just like always,

    Men are always uncomfortable with other men.
    With women around, they feel even more uncomfortable.

    So as soon as the interview starts, the boy's legs tremble and his tongue sticks to the top of his mouth, and in most cases, he doesn't remember a thing when he comes back of the interview hall. Women, on the other hand, have extremely keen powers of observation and so they even tell the number of stripes on the shirt of the HR [who by the way wore a plain blue shirt]...

    Tell me about yourself:
    This is the first question every HR asks in an interview, because he's too lazy to take a look at your CV. So, this is the one chance where you can tell him anything you wish. Also, it is a good practice to start it from the very beginning- preferably from when the dinosaurs walked the earth. So you spin stories that expand for millions of years [and the HR is half asleep by now] and finally, after mentioning about World War 1 and World War 2, you arrive at your birth-date. This is where the HR stops you. Now comes the difference.

    A boy tells him that he's a Nobel laureate... The HR wouldn't care.

    A girl tells him that she can touch her nose with her tongue. The very next instant, he'd be amazed at her extra-curricular, personal, non-technical, superhuman skill. She'll be asked to display this extraordinary talent of hers and she'll be selected by the company.

    You put four years of hard work towards your subjects and sincere efforts towards your placements, and she's wanted for a skill that her cousin taught her when she was 4 years old. By now, you realise that God hates you...

    The plan might sound insane, but this is what the MBA degree does to a person. It takes away his brain and instills in him, a very serious look. This serious look [combined with the ability to create powerpoint presentations with a lot of charts and graphs about the company] is what makes the HR earn lakhs of rupees every year.

    So, if your interview processes involve under any of the aforesaid instances, you can easily find your sex. If you still can't, look down [literally]...