Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The girl of someone else's dreams...

Hello friends. Nice to see you're still visiting my blog. Most people do not actually understand the word "comment" altogether and hence end up writing the complete version of the traditional "ஆயா வடை சுட்ட கதை" as a mollifying acknowledgement of their readership to my blog… And what do you know?? The other readers consider it better than my blog posts [Of course, they may be right]. So, with a highly meek request to you to continue to read my blog, I hereby continue to write my blog.

The post carried in this page is a textual version of a train journey. It's modified at many a place in order that I may escape prosecution. So, if you do think you can decipher the contents, please give up your plans. To everyone else, please proceed [you too!]…

Date: 20/8/2010    Time: 10 pm
I bought a ticket that allows me to travel from Coimbatore Junction to Tambaram, after waiting for about 15 minutes in a queue. On going to the help desk to check what platform my beloved 2682 lands on, I met a girl who, I thought, wanted me to get her a seat in the train. Anyway, I went to the platform, waded my way through men, women and children and got myself a bottle of drinking water. I went off to the farthest end of the platform to the place where they might pull the unreserved carriage up. This isn't new to me for I have spent a tenth of my life in General coaches.

            Time: 11 pm
The train arrived and saved my life. When the bogey was chugging at about 20 kmph, I ran beside it and hastily jumped into the train [ignoring the bruise on my leg that came as a compliment to such a heroic act]. I procured an extra seat by the window, opposite my own, just in case. It was then I learnt that the girl, who was reportedly dying to travel with me, said she'd rather die than travel with me [Well, girls do have brains]. Well, I now have a seat for my own butt and for someone who's out of his luck.

            Time: 11.25 pm
The lights were turned on 10 minutes ago and we were getting a bit of a crowd. No one dared to plunder the surplus seat I took. It was then a girl came inside the coach and wondering if she'd caught the right train, sat 50 cm away from me. Pretty, mature and calm, she picked up her cell phone. "HELLO அம்மா? Seat கெடச்சிருச்சு… இல்ல மா. No woman in sight… பாக்கலாம்... சரி… ம்ம்ம்… சொல்றேன்… Ok மா, அப்பாகிட்ட சொல்லிடு… ம்ம்ம்… சரி, bye…" [Readers, please note here that the length of the call was not more than 2 minutes]. Then she dived into her cell and in that process didn't notice that her backpack had fallen from her lap to about 15 cm from where I sat. I took the bag, gave it to her and said," Excuse me, this seat is not taken. If you can feel more comfortable here, please take it", pointing to the surplus seat. "Oh, thank you", she said and smiled. But even after I made room for her by placing my bag on the upper deck, she didn't seem to move… Talking… I waved my hand at her to which she replied by pointing at me a finger- her forefinger [not the middle finger, as you might have expected], signaling "Just a sec".

5 minutes and she was still talking. An elderly person came up to me and asked me if the seat I was safeguarding was already taken. Figuring out that she didn't notice me, I gave him the seat. யோவ், கெழவா… நல்ல வாய்ப்ப நாசப்படுத்திட்டியேய்யா!!!

            Time: 11.50 pm
The train started moving and her cell phone's reception started weakening [Because of this, you might think that her service provider is BSNL. But this is where I tell you that BSNL connections do not fail when the train is moving. They fail even if you are standing on top of the booster tower itself. Proof: My cell]. அப்புறம் பேசறேன்… She cut the call [which, by now, clocked 20 minutes]. By the count of that, I found out that it was possibly her boyfriend or her husband. But no… If it were her husband, she'd have dominated the speech or at least threatened to kill him, at least once during the call. So, it is safe to presume that it's her boyfriend.

"அய்யா… நீங்க கொஞ்சம் அங்க உக்கார முடியுமா?", she asked the old man, pointing at her X-seat. The Methuselah refused to move. I asked him to move as well thinking that I may somehow have a chance. Nope... The girl held a stern face and went back. The guy next to the girl asked me to switch places with the girl [From this, I came to the conclusion that he is a misogynist or much worse, gay]. அச்சுதா! Do NOT budge. She can rather sit next to a faggot rather than opposite to the baldie who ruined my night… It started drizzling and the old guy's seat was getting wet [due to the rain from outside!!]. He tried to shut the window but in vain. No matter who tried, the window refused to lower beyond a point. கெழவா… சாவுடா!

I started looking at her and later, she looked back at me. With a cryptic smile, she said," Water is pouring in through your window as well". In a trance, I replied," Yeah… sure…". "What the F??!!". The old guy's window was almost closed, while mine was almost open… Shit!! I leapt up and closed my window and cleaned my seat. In a note of service, I closed his window too. He smiled at me…

I texted all my friends "Good night", and "Happy journey" to those going home just like me. Then, again, I started looking at her. This is where the idea to write a post about the journey sprouted.

She was [as said before] pretty, calm and definitely attractive. Many may not find her so, but living in GCT for 3 years made me think that way… She was wearing a T-shirt with a white collar and bands of colour running horizontally. Over that, a chocolate-coloured sweater. A dust-coloured trouser with about 244 pockets on it, and sandals… The phone she was holding was Sony Ericsson W595. It glowed in the sides elegantly. I love that phone [Ok… Enough with the phone! Get back to the girl!!]. Her hands were small and cute and the nails were as white as snow [Well, not really. It's just a dumb simile]. A closer look at her hands revealed more. Her hand was on her lap and her fingers laid straight. There were some small arteries running along her metacarpals, much like underground electric cables- clumsily oriented, carelessly branched, conveniently placed and incompletely inhumed. The nails of her feet were sheeny with pink polish and were comfy inside the peach-coloured sandals…

Date: 21/8/2010    Time: 12.30 am
The guy next to her [Yes… the same guy] started a conversation with her. From that, I learnt that she did her engineering at Kongu Engg. College, schooling at SRV and is now employed with CTS, Kovai. He was throwing questions at her [in a species of English, even my PETERish butler friends are ashamed of] and she was reluctantly, yet patiently answering them… Poor girl. I lent my ears to them. Since it got more boring than my Power System Analysis classes, I took out my LabVIEW textbook and browsed through pages. In less than a minute, I fell asleep…

            Time: 1.10 am
I woke up. The guy was still talking to her and she was almost on the verge of sleep [one can also conclude that 5 more minutes of his speech would send her spiraling into a coma]. This frustrated me. I turned towards them and projected my face as though I was intricately interested in his speech. In a couple of minutes he turned to me and jerked his head implying "What do you want?". I took a deep breath and said," How old are you, sir?". By this time, she came out of her sleep and took note of me. "What?", he said. "I said, how old are you, sir?", I repeated. "41. Why do you ask?", he said. "வண்டி இருகூர் தாண்டும்போது பேச ஆரம்பிச்சீங்க. இப்போ திருப்பூர் தாண்டிடுச்சு. இன்னும் பேசிகிட்டே இருக்கீங்க? So, I thought you're age should be about 81… 40 வயசு கொறச்சு சொல்றீங்க??", came my words. That's it! His face turned red in anger. I didn't even notice it, for the same words sent the girl into huge bursts of laughter… She was really cute. She bent down and took something- MY LABVIEW BOOK- from under my seat and gave it to me with a small "Thanks" sandwiched in her smile. I accepted my textbook and returned her "Thanks".

            Time: 2 am
Friends, one of the many peculiar things you might notice about me- Whilst I'm asleep, I tend to coil up in such a manner that the English alphabet S or Z might seem comparatively straight.

Everyone was asleep in my bay. I woke up sluggishly. My head was inclined on the window, my left leg deep under the opposite seat and my right leg, on the throat of the guy opposite me! I lifted it immediately [he didn't notice it anyway]. Slept off again…

            Time: 4.30 am
Sleep you couldn't even think of in an AC coach will come down your way in a dereserved coach… Mmm… I stretched to relieve myself and ஐயோ!!! My right leg hit the old guy's abdomen straight! "அய்யா? அய்யா!", I called towards the old guy. No response! அவ்ளோதானா? பெருசு போயிடுச்சா? Attempt to murder! 14 years in jail! Halt at Jolarpettai- the grandpa woke up to the sounds of "காப்பி! காப்பி!!". At last… I don't have to go to jail. "தம்பி காப்பி சாப்புட்ரியளா?", he asked me while getting a cup of that murky liquid for himself. "இல்ல வேண்டாங்கையா… நீங்க உயிர் பொழச்சதே எனக்கு போதும்", said I. "என்ன?", he said. "ஒண்ணும் இல்லீங்கய்யா", I concluded.

            Time: 7. 45 am
It was Perambur and I completed my sleep for the night. The girl woke up, rubbed her face with her hands and straightened her hair. 15 minutes passed by. Chennai Central, it was. Everyone started getting up. I waited for her. Just as she got up, I took my bag from the deck and put it on. I was right behind her detraining. There was this mirror on the way- I looked at myself, sharp as usual and not a tad of hair out of position. The mirror started to give out a crack and I decided to get away. I caught a sight of her and decided to follow her. I did so like an ant did its predecessor. At the portico of Central station, she turned back casually and found that I was behind her. "Hey, what are you doing, following me everywhere?", she asked angrily. Hiding my guilt and the thought that she was prettier when angry, I replied, "What makes you think I'm following you? What do I look like? Your bodyguard??"… She turned back and went into the station as though catching the next train back to Coimbatore. I saw her till she was gone. I went on, crossed rail-tracks and caught a Tambaram train at Park. Life's better at Coimbatore, ain't it?

            Time: 8.30 am
I got off at my place- Palavanthangal, when I was confronted with my 12th Maths teacher, who apparently got down from the same train. She smiled at me and I said, "சௌக்கியமா, mam??"

After contemplating with myself for about a day, I came up with this primer that might help someone with his life. The statements 1 to 5 are globally agreed laws that they have become axioms. Statements 6 to 8, I've gathered from my college life. They have been accepted in 16 countries as of now and are in the phase of expansion everywhere else. Statements 9 and 10, mostly true, I've cooked up to save myself and my male readers!

10 most embellished laws of female existence: 
  1. Truth is illegal.
  2. Honesty is NOT the best policy.
  3. Sense is a last minute survival strategy.
  4. A smile can save the day.
  5. Pink teddy bears and "Hello kitty" toys can solve any crisis, including GLOBAL WARMING.
  6. The prettier the girl the uglier her handwriting.
  7. The more marks a girl scores, the weaker she is in her subjects.
  8. If the person in salwar smiles at you, don't worry. She's just a blood-thirsty martian. You can trust her wholly and can even bequeath your wallet onto her. If she looks at you and smiles at somewhere else, she is an ISO standard earthly woman. Get as far away from her as possible.
  9. Always show that you're helpful and do help at the right moment.
  10. Look at yourself once in a while. It's not good if you're looked at by girls too much, or if you aren't looked at by girls at all.


  1. 1st thing.. i wish ur mom reads this blog.. she wud b really happiee to see dose descriptions bout dat girl !! (not a note of sarcasm.. i really mean t.. )
    2nd thing.. an inference : ur journey wasn't very dull.. unlik some ppl, wo keep staring outside deir window on a train travel,(having no oder go ), it seems u never realli looked outside ur window..(:P :P ) Thank the Good Lord for makin d sky open out n pour that night ;) Happie dat mi frien got a biig time opportunity to note ppl around him :)

    and.. as ever.. this article also has notes of sarcasms.. against women.. u ve quoted 20 of d words d girl spoke (to her mom over d phone ).. (excluding d "ummm" s) i seriousli doubt if any guy ll ever speak 20 words to his mom !! u quys ll not even utter those "umm"s 20 times !!

    but.. as ever.. :) dis one s good :) hope u get many more train journeys lik this ;)

  2. Why do you always want to see me in trouble, bargs??:)
    Anyway, thanks for the comment and we boys DO speak a lot of words to our moms. It's just that you girls don't see that!!

  3. First hats off 2 ur creativity da.Really superb and excellent.U describing a girl inch by inch was astonishing me.U are known 2 criticize girls but one girl has made u feel and write this blog,is what I think.Like Bhargavi said I do feel that your mom must read this.She will come 2 know about ur poetry skills 2.U have titled ur blog as useless but it is usefull and makes people even enjoy ur critics. Do continue the same.I did enjoy reading this.

  4. Thanks Anitha... But I'm crossing my fingers that my mom doesn't get to read this...

  5. loved it:) I'd rate it your best post till now. The sarcastic addons that u give sent me into fits of laughter. Show this to any girl and she is bound to get impressed.

  6. I am hoping for that Dilip... And if she does get impressed, you're in for a treat my friend. I hope i'll see your face in daylight soon...

  7. neraya masala add panirkiyo ?? :P ..

    anyway, good 1 machi..

  8. Good one machi... As usual Ur perfection and sarcasm... But I dint lik the climax. Climax la ethavathu Veeradhiramana gilma panirkalam. Atleast panna mathiriyavathu sollirkalam, U wld have got more readers. Dey mandaya un mandaila circut than irukku nu nenaichen.... Ponnungalum irukka!!! Good to know.

  9. @Cheevacchan: Masala ellam add panla machi... En kasappana train journey-a konjam kaarasaarama sollirukken...

    @Kunjalaadu: Veeradheeramana gilma edhavadhu pannirukkalam... Aana apdi pannittu Central-lerundhu Park station poradhukkulla enna KOTTHU PAROTTA pottruppaanga...

    Thanks for your words guys...:)

  10. it was well written and was handled elegantly.It deserves appreciation.Go on...I guess u didnt point me out saying "PETERish butler friends"..:)

  11. The "TEN COMMANDMENTS" at last are really funny(and Meaningful too)..!!
    Especially the third one.."Sense is a last minute survival strategy". I think you really meant it after experiencing..

    Keep BloGGing