Sunday, October 18, 2009

Marriages are made in Heaven / XXXMatrimony.com

Coming back to my own blog is like, well, coming back to my own blog. Nothing describes it better. And recently I've been pestered by something every man fears most- MARRIAGE. Don't get it the wrong way folks. No girl with the smallest proportion of her senses left, will ever think of marrying me and neither will my parents indulge themselves in such a criminal activity.

Let's get down to business straightaway, as I am a man who hates to even think of wasting time, that I opt to do away with the thinking part. Seriously, I do have a lot of useful things to do (the denial of which has made me useless- and hence the BLOG NAME), and since I'm devoting a substantial quantity of my time, money (BLOGGER website may be free, but the blogger who uses this site is, of course, a taxpayer) and energy to this post, enduring harsh climate, perilous hunger and most importantly unbearably vulgar curses from my dad, you must have understood by the way that this post is extremely important. (I'm offering a gold coin as a gift to those who could decode the above paragraph)

Coming back to the point, no girl has ever disturbed me with a proposal of marriage. But this being a black-mark on my bachelor life in itself, is not so abrasive as matrimonial sites. Yes. Matrimonial sites besides being kind and service-minded enough to physically, mentally and financially couple two of the most unsuited and inappropriate human beings on the earth, attempt to attract others who are at a safe distance from them (Myself being the latest victim).

I received a text message in my cell phone very recently from a sender who is so scared to reveal his identity that he put up irrelevant alphabets together, as his name. But i was sure I could understand the last set of letters. They spelled something like marry. Since I never had a contact of a person whom I can proudly call a girlfriend (I'm sorry guys. I don't have the guts), I decided to save the message in my SIM card permanently. After 2 days, out of sheer curiosity, I opened the message. It started like this: 1000s of girls. Speak to me frankly fellas. What would you do if you get to have a date, or at least a formal meet with a 1000 (or a 100 or at least 1) girls? I'd probably faint down or I'd need a pacifier to control myself. But the proceeding contents immediately open-circuited my excitement. The text was:
profiles at your convenience. 100% genuine contacts. Privacy guaranteed.

Just like any ordinary boy, I deleted the message from my Saved Messages folder with a tiny bit of pain in my heart. Next, I actually visited the site and some others which offered to bless me with my life-partner at extremely low costs. (What do they know? All the expenditure begins after marriage). I never intended to sign up to any of those sites and even before that I can fill a blog with all the calamities the sites are capable of causing. And I promise to tell you (at the end of this post) something else from that sms which I forgot to tell you earlier intentionally. Here it goes:

# The very home page of the site showed some beautiful women (very beautiful indeed) as applicants to that site, searching for their TALL, DARK & HANDSOME guy (Hello, ladies!). The one thing that struck me in the forehead is, they were all posing with different intentions (like holding small deepaks, etc.). Why would someone show their beauty off on such private(!) sites? When I placed the mouse over her (The mouse here is the mouse pointer and nothing else), her photo blew up displaying her name (which sounded totally tamilian, but I bet on my shaven moustache that she is not one), age, language and caste. With a shock, I realised some of the women were models! (I've seen them in The Chennai Silks ad)

# The next thing that caught my eye was the picture of a couple. In that picture, either the couple were so entwined in each other like they were about to be engaged in, you know what... Or the woman was squishing the man's neck and the man, who would probably die any minute, was screaming for help! God knows what happened to that man later. But the funny thing is this. There were a few lines of text, mentioning the identity of the pair (as Mr and Mrs XXX) and a quote:

It was in XXXmatrimony that I found my darling from 10000000 people. Thanks XXXMatrimony for making my life happier!

I would like to tell you that the XXX used here is supposed to mean 'anonymous' and not what is running in your mind. And that the lines were quoted by the lady in the photo (who was holding her husband at the verge of death). That's because men, though not very honest all the time, cannot afford to spit out fibs of such great magnitude. My personal opinion is that they didn't make a good couple (a perfect example of the organisation's service). What else can I say?

# The searches provided in the site were hilarious. They had radio buttons for gender, text boxes for name and drop-down lists for language and caste. I cooked up some searches myself and what i found out was this. Either the search results contained photos of similar faces or there were no faces at all... Weird! You find photos of various boys and girls on the ad of these sites throughout the Internet and none of them in the search results...

# Next comes genuineness. GENUINENESS, as you may know, denotes how genuine a person actually is. I mean, I don't know if genuineness is ANALOG or DIGITAL, implying that I don't know if it is CONTINUOUS or DISCRETE. Understood? Once my dad told me that his dad, on the advice of his dad, went on his GRAIL QUEST which is totally equal to the search for his better half. He had to cross several villages by foot, to land on another village for the பெண் பார்க்கும் படலம். He had asked for directions to the destination and the bolts of the village extracted from him the A-Z of his arrival and, in return, had given a testimonial like a certificate of conduct (over)qualifying the girl. Overwhelmed, my grandpa destined himself with the girl, now my grandma.
Later my dad told me how my grandpa repented for the mistake and expressed his desire to tear those bolts to shreds if he ever got a chance. But the bolts had worn themselves off existence by doing the same stuff over and over again. He also told me of the troubles my grandpa and grandma faced together (mostly because of each other). My grandma later told me about the troubles she and her husband had faced because of my dad. And with the knowledge of basic arithmetic, I can very well claim that the former was negligible when compared to the latter. It must be noted that my grandpa had chosen the first girl he had to meet.
Next came my dad. The situation is exactly the same, except for that the village was replaced by an apartment and the bolts were replaced by my mom's friends and colleagues. I am witness to the troubles my parents face... Again, my dad chose the first girl of the list. From keen observation and logical analysis, I had, once, come to the idea that i should never choose the first girl when my turn comes, no matter how great she is. But gradually, I understood that my dad and his, did not make their marriages by choice, they did it rather because of force. A force that, if they had not given in, would have made them lead a Brahmachari life (See? It's not totally my fault. I'm relieved of most of my burden, for if you're reading this post now, it's probably the mistake of my dad and granddad). The NO GIRL WOULD EVER CONSIDER YOU gene must have been transferred to my grandpa and then to my dad and to me. So, no options for you.

But the point is, they had someone standing idly grazing on info of their would-be and delivering it to them. What the hell am I supposed to do? The matrimonial site says that it is ISO 9001:2000 certified and that privacy is guaranteed by e-Trust. The site is trustworthy, says Verisign. So who am I supposed to ask? It is ridiculous that the sites compete with each other on the basis of maximum number of successful marriages (They should probably compete in the maximum number of successful divorces!)

Lastly, as I said earlier, I'm going to disclose the final words of that sms. It said:
Sign up and get married soon. Free!

It sounds like GET WELL SOON, but it's more of like GET KILLED SOON or something!
Marriage is a serious commitment. And in a world of people moving very fast towards everything, this is just another thing... That's all. It must be given the seriousness it deserves, for one wrong turn will turn your life upside down. And, not getting too legally, divorces, as i feel, are to some extent caused by this indifferent attitude. So think well before you act. Last but not least, I'm grateful to God and the Matrimonial site that sent me that sms, for the msg was decent enough. It wasn't like:

Sign up and get laid soon. Free!

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